From: OGmail
Sent: 13 March 2009 16:38:20
To: DMmail
Me again! Bored of me yet? Writing the injunction as we speak? Never fear, I will soon be gone and you will be free of my inane ramblings! I just need to say what I need to say. Why? Must be a glutton for punishment and self humiliation! But hey, you can start your married life with a clean slate!
I've had this waiting for some time now, and never got round to sending it. Not least because it's about 7 texts long! But now seems the right time. Yes, it's flowery, and in your eyes probably over dramatic, and to be honest, to me at least, slightly pathetic, but I can't say it any other way - believe me I've tried. So, instead, I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it!
All I ask is that you truly hear it! We've discussed my hearing what you don't say, but equally you don't hear what I do say. I say "I love you", you hear "she thinks she loves me, but what does she know". Dont. Just hear! Please.
You've asked before how I am, and to answer, and to save you ever having to ask again, here's the best way I can explain it...
A long time ago, when we were together, it was like you opened something inside of me that made the world a brighter and better place, and me a better and braver person than I thought possible. Then you left, and doing so, you took that piece of me with you. And I was left with this gaping hole filled with nothing but pain and hurt, and for such a long, long time that was how it was - a constant, raging, awful awful ache. Now, many many months on, that hurt has gone, mostly, but that emptiness in me remains.
But over time, its almost like a glass wall has slowly built itself around the space, keeping me getting up in the morning, going to work, parenting, socialising, moving forwards, and stopping anybody really noticing. I haven't spent the last 3yrs moping around like some pathetic creature, but yet, deep in me, the space remains. And whilst that wall keeps me functioning most of the time, it also stops anything from really, really touching me these days. The good and the bad. Whatever I do, whatever I see, whatever I live, a part of me is always empty. The part you somehow gave me is always missing. You are always missing.
I don't blame you for that, you weren't to know. Hell, I didn't even know until it was too late, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to recognise it, let alone articulate it. And please, please don't think it's self pitying, because much as I may sound like a mills and boon twat, you should know me better than that. I don't spend my days sobbing into my hanky or bemoaning my fate, but if I'm honest none of it is ever quite right without you.
I love you and you alone. I miss you, always. It just is what it is.
So, in answer to your question, that is now, and probably always if I'm honest, who and how I will be. And that is why, you, my dearest, most infuriating, darling fucking idiot man, will always be my one true love. Even if that isn't enough.
That said, its time to let go. I've realised the last few days that what I've needed from you for me to let go, is knowing you have. I guess marrying someone else proves that pretty categorically. As for moving on, who knows, if I (heaven forbid) lost one of the children, I wouldn't be expected to move on, I'd just learn to live with it. That's what I have to do now, figure out who this different person is and learn to live with me and without you.
I do wish you well in your marriage, and your life, much as you may find that hard to believe. May it always be an A5 not an A1.
Good luck to both of us it seems!
With love, as always xxx
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Done!
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 06:56
To: DMmail
Do you know what?! Have the pic! Little difference it will make to anything now, but you're the reason I have it! And while I'm sending it, you can cast an objective eye over our communication over the last few weeks, and then judge whether you can really say that there was no element of misleading me, or chance of misreading that could be done there! And if you genuinely believe me to be completely reading something that isnt there, then why not print it off and show it to wifey to be, and see how happy she is that a few weeks before her wedding this is how her fiance texts his ex girlfriend! I doubt, of course, that you'll have the balls to do that! It's just me that's expected to swallow the rubbish you tell yourself, and me!
Good luck, I think you're both going to need it!
Oh, and I don't think I need to say it but, fine, let me know you've taken the leap if you need to, but other than that one text - leave me alone. I can't cope with any of this anymore.
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:00:51
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
I guess this should be the one I get next….
Stultus est sicut stultus facit
From: OGmail
To: DMmail
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:52:48
Meaning?
I know what it means, by the way. I mean, meaning in relation to you?
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:10:15
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
Just that! Read the words, hear the meaning…..
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 10:13
To: DMmail
See, this is exactly what I mean! I hear the words I can read a dozen meanings. For example
1. I was stupid to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was stupid to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was stupid to leave you
4. I was stupid to start this
And so on and so on!
I know what I hear, but as you have so ably demonstrated, what you say never corresponds with what I hear!
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:22:26
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
Again your reading far too much in to it, again giving me far too much credit…….
It’s as simple as:
1. I was/am stupid……. to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was/am stupid……. to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was/am stupid……. to leave you
4. I was/am stupid……. to start this
You don’t hear what I say because when I say hello, you hear Hello, do you still love me, do you want me to come home and marry you instead….
That’s why a “Happy Valentines” text is read Happy valentines….how you doing…do you still love me and I’m getting shagged by someone that’s not you tonight!!!!
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 18:16:27
To: DMmail
Thank you. Yes, I do read too much into things, and yes you're right in your examples. My point is that you know that about me, and you still do it.
Case in point, see below, you were stupid to leave me - I hear "I've acknowledged I'm stupid so therefore perhaps I want to come home", you were stupid to start this - "I hear I was stupid to start this, however, even at the point that I recognised that I carried on, therefore I must still love you and want you"
You speak, I hear, and somewhere in the midst of all that is the truth. That you, and seemingly, I deny.
Either way, so it goes on. This is why.
It needs to change, or stop. You will do the former, I will regret the latter.
I have two more things to say to you and then will need to be done. Now is not the time.
Sent: 10 March 2009 06:56
To: DMmail
Do you know what?! Have the pic! Little difference it will make to anything now, but you're the reason I have it! And while I'm sending it, you can cast an objective eye over our communication over the last few weeks, and then judge whether you can really say that there was no element of misleading me, or chance of misreading that could be done there! And if you genuinely believe me to be completely reading something that isnt there, then why not print it off and show it to wifey to be, and see how happy she is that a few weeks before her wedding this is how her fiance texts his ex girlfriend! I doubt, of course, that you'll have the balls to do that! It's just me that's expected to swallow the rubbish you tell yourself, and me!
Good luck, I think you're both going to need it!
Oh, and I don't think I need to say it but, fine, let me know you've taken the leap if you need to, but other than that one text - leave me alone. I can't cope with any of this anymore.
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:00:51
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
I guess this should be the one I get next….
Stultus est sicut stultus facit
From: OGmail
To: DMmail
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:52:48
Meaning?
I know what it means, by the way. I mean, meaning in relation to you?
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:10:15
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
Just that! Read the words, hear the meaning…..
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 10:13
To: DMmail
See, this is exactly what I mean! I hear the words I can read a dozen meanings. For example
1. I was stupid to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was stupid to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was stupid to leave you
4. I was stupid to start this
And so on and so on!
I know what I hear, but as you have so ably demonstrated, what you say never corresponds with what I hear!
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:22:26
From: DMmail
To: OGmail
Again your reading far too much in to it, again giving me far too much credit…….
It’s as simple as:
1. I was/am stupid……. to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was/am stupid……. to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was/am stupid……. to leave you
4. I was/am stupid……. to start this
You don’t hear what I say because when I say hello, you hear Hello, do you still love me, do you want me to come home and marry you instead….
That’s why a “Happy Valentines” text is read Happy valentines….how you doing…do you still love me and I’m getting shagged by someone that’s not you tonight!!!!
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 18:16:27
To: DMmail
Thank you. Yes, I do read too much into things, and yes you're right in your examples. My point is that you know that about me, and you still do it.
Case in point, see below, you were stupid to leave me - I hear "I've acknowledged I'm stupid so therefore perhaps I want to come home", you were stupid to start this - "I hear I was stupid to start this, however, even at the point that I recognised that I carried on, therefore I must still love you and want you"
You speak, I hear, and somewhere in the midst of all that is the truth. That you, and seemingly, I deny.
Either way, so it goes on. This is why.
It needs to change, or stop. You will do the former, I will regret the latter.
I have two more things to say to you and then will need to be done. Now is not the time.
Final thought 1
From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 21:01:01
To: DMmail
Okay, I said two things...
We've established the difference between what you say and what I hear, but something that resonated with me recently, in regard to you, is the 5 whys. (don't hold the psychobabble against me, nature of the job/you and me, and of course, you know me!). I won't go into the whole boring shebang, but the basic premise is that when asked a question (obviously not "what's the time?" or something like that, but a challenging question!), you will need to be asked why 5 times before you get to the genuine answer.
For example (of course, these are only random examples, nothing at all to do with our situation!!!)...
Q. Why do you text me?
A1 - Because I was thinking about you
Why?
A2 - Because I miss you
Why?
A3 - Because you are/were a special part of my life
Why?
A4 - Because I love you
Why?
A5 - Because you are my soulmate.
To demonstrate further...
Q. Why are we not together?
A1 - Because I live 6000 miles away
Why?
A2 - Because I work here?
Why?
A3 - Because thats the choice I made
Why?
A4 - Because it was important to me to try this country/life
Why?
A5 - Because it was more important to me than you are
So, you get the picture?!
So lets look at us... you always answer (me, at least) at A1. After much probing and challenging, and usually a significant time lapse, I might get to A2 or A3. When we are/were together, eventually (and much more easily) it would be A4, or even A5.
Me? Well as we know, I usually wade straight in at A3, sometimes A4, occasionally (recently at least), with A5. That is who I am, that is who you are. Together, I'd hold off some of the wading in, and you'd have the truth dragged out of you. I think we both miss that, I think it's part of what makes/made us special - and part of why you come back for more - even though its not always pleasant for you, it's part of what you need. I hope you find that elsewhere.
My point, after all this babble? I don't expect to ask you any questions, and I won't be there to poke and prod answers out of you. I dont want to/cant hear the answers once you're a married man, but hey, you can use the spirit of me when needed. It might be a good tool to have in times of existential crisis! It might allow you to be honest with yourself - even if more than occasionally is too much to hope for!
Anyway, it seems I have blathered on for far too long (no change there), and you are probably completely bored, or defensive, (at least as an immediate response!), but hey, leave it in your inbox and come back to it sometime - it may well twang some strings. If you won't trust me to love you, and you won't trust in us, then at least trust in me enough to know you well enough to know what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to patronise, far from it, I'm trying to love you the best way I know.
But anyway, I will save the final, final thought for some time soon. As always, nothing like delaying the inevitable!
Carpe diem cras! (May be the more honest version)
PS. I never credit you with more than you are worth! Far from it.
Sent: 10 March 2009 21:01:01
To: DMmail
Okay, I said two things...
We've established the difference between what you say and what I hear, but something that resonated with me recently, in regard to you, is the 5 whys. (don't hold the psychobabble against me, nature of the job/you and me, and of course, you know me!). I won't go into the whole boring shebang, but the basic premise is that when asked a question (obviously not "what's the time?" or something like that, but a challenging question!), you will need to be asked why 5 times before you get to the genuine answer.
For example (of course, these are only random examples, nothing at all to do with our situation!!!)...
Q. Why do you text me?
A1 - Because I was thinking about you
Why?
A2 - Because I miss you
Why?
A3 - Because you are/were a special part of my life
Why?
A4 - Because I love you
Why?
A5 - Because you are my soulmate.
To demonstrate further...
Q. Why are we not together?
A1 - Because I live 6000 miles away
Why?
A2 - Because I work here?
Why?
A3 - Because thats the choice I made
Why?
A4 - Because it was important to me to try this country/life
Why?
A5 - Because it was more important to me than you are
So, you get the picture?!
So lets look at us... you always answer (me, at least) at A1. After much probing and challenging, and usually a significant time lapse, I might get to A2 or A3. When we are/were together, eventually (and much more easily) it would be A4, or even A5.
Me? Well as we know, I usually wade straight in at A3, sometimes A4, occasionally (recently at least), with A5. That is who I am, that is who you are. Together, I'd hold off some of the wading in, and you'd have the truth dragged out of you. I think we both miss that, I think it's part of what makes/made us special - and part of why you come back for more - even though its not always pleasant for you, it's part of what you need. I hope you find that elsewhere.
My point, after all this babble? I don't expect to ask you any questions, and I won't be there to poke and prod answers out of you. I dont want to/cant hear the answers once you're a married man, but hey, you can use the spirit of me when needed. It might be a good tool to have in times of existential crisis! It might allow you to be honest with yourself - even if more than occasionally is too much to hope for!
Anyway, it seems I have blathered on for far too long (no change there), and you are probably completely bored, or defensive, (at least as an immediate response!), but hey, leave it in your inbox and come back to it sometime - it may well twang some strings. If you won't trust me to love you, and you won't trust in us, then at least trust in me enough to know you well enough to know what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to patronise, far from it, I'm trying to love you the best way I know.
But anyway, I will save the final, final thought for some time soon. As always, nothing like delaying the inevitable!
Carpe diem cras! (May be the more honest version)
PS. I never credit you with more than you are worth! Far from it.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Texts out of the blue...
14 Feb 09
Happy Valentines Day, D xxx
With love, as always x
(much much later)
PS. Try not to think of me too much tonight when you’re getting your valentine’s shag!
1 Mar 09
Tell me what’s on your mind right now!
That you never cease to amaze me. That I spent all yesterday with you in my head and even switched my phone off because I was sick of waiting to hear from you and knowing I wouldn’t. That I need you to come home now.
Why were you waiting to hear from me? Why yesterday? What made you think of me?
I think of you most of the time so I suppose no different from normal. Why was yesterday worse than normal? I don’t know, do you?
I’ve been thinking a lot of you recently too, do you think that could be it? What number is DM related blogs up to?
And why have you? Why do you text me at all?
Two very interesting and very difficult questions. Questions I would love to know the answers to too! I don’t know, but I do and you do too…
Maybe because deep down you know as well as I do that you made a mistake and you’re in the wrong place with the wrong person. I just don’t know if that will ever be fixed.
(later)
I’m curious to know, when you say you’re thinking of me, what is it that you’re thinking?
7 Mar 09
What we done, what we were like together, How you made me talk, the sex we had. I’m having to make a lot of big decisions at the moment. Visa, green card, job..
I don’t know how to help you with that. I wish I could
Why don’t you come visit. Take a bit of time out. I’ll take week off and just chill
I wish I could but it’s not that easy. I’ll be back there for most May working at the UK office. I have to do another interview at the US embassy in London.
8 Mar 09
If you were describing me to somebody, what would you say?
You would be someone that I could connect to, both physically and mentally on a level that they simply couldn’t comprehend! And you of me?
That you are the strongest, funniest, stubbornest and most amazing man I ever met. And the only one I’d ever marry. My one true love!
OG, please? I’m sure I don’t deserve such strong words. Stubborn! Well yes but…..
Quit with the modesty. It is what it is. Besides, I’m never wrong so it must be true!
9 Mar 09
Why are you having to make job, visa etc decisions now anyway? Thought you were cleared to be there for another 2 years?
I am, We’re having lots of people laid off here I need to be ready should the worst happen. I could have my green card within a year and I need to think about staying here permanently. That and I’m getting married next month…..
Later added post script:
Well, I don't really need to express how I felt! Sick! And so, so angry. All this was followed later by a half hour phone conversation, instigated by me, through which I smoked so much that I had to put the phone down quick because I genuinely thought I was going to throw up. Most of the conversation revolved around him refusing to acknowledge anything other than being friendly, with me reading too much into it!! I hadn't replied to his last text in November, and he hadn't recieved my moment of weakness on New Years Eve, so he had thought his VD text would just disappear into the ether. Fine, I'm willing to acknowledge that - but at the point I replied, and how I replied, he knew! But, of course, still it continues. Fucking idiot I am!!
Happy Valentines Day, D xxx
With love, as always x
(much much later)
PS. Try not to think of me too much tonight when you’re getting your valentine’s shag!
1 Mar 09
Tell me what’s on your mind right now!
That you never cease to amaze me. That I spent all yesterday with you in my head and even switched my phone off because I was sick of waiting to hear from you and knowing I wouldn’t. That I need you to come home now.
Why were you waiting to hear from me? Why yesterday? What made you think of me?
I think of you most of the time so I suppose no different from normal. Why was yesterday worse than normal? I don’t know, do you?
I’ve been thinking a lot of you recently too, do you think that could be it? What number is DM related blogs up to?
And why have you? Why do you text me at all?
Two very interesting and very difficult questions. Questions I would love to know the answers to too! I don’t know, but I do and you do too…
Maybe because deep down you know as well as I do that you made a mistake and you’re in the wrong place with the wrong person. I just don’t know if that will ever be fixed.
(later)
I’m curious to know, when you say you’re thinking of me, what is it that you’re thinking?
7 Mar 09
What we done, what we were like together, How you made me talk, the sex we had. I’m having to make a lot of big decisions at the moment. Visa, green card, job..
I don’t know how to help you with that. I wish I could
Why don’t you come visit. Take a bit of time out. I’ll take week off and just chill
I wish I could but it’s not that easy. I’ll be back there for most May working at the UK office. I have to do another interview at the US embassy in London.
8 Mar 09
If you were describing me to somebody, what would you say?
You would be someone that I could connect to, both physically and mentally on a level that they simply couldn’t comprehend! And you of me?
That you are the strongest, funniest, stubbornest and most amazing man I ever met. And the only one I’d ever marry. My one true love!
OG, please? I’m sure I don’t deserve such strong words. Stubborn! Well yes but…..
Quit with the modesty. It is what it is. Besides, I’m never wrong so it must be true!
9 Mar 09
Why are you having to make job, visa etc decisions now anyway? Thought you were cleared to be there for another 2 years?
I am, We’re having lots of people laid off here I need to be ready should the worst happen. I could have my green card within a year and I need to think about staying here permanently. That and I’m getting married next month…..
Later added post script:
Well, I don't really need to express how I felt! Sick! And so, so angry. All this was followed later by a half hour phone conversation, instigated by me, through which I smoked so much that I had to put the phone down quick because I genuinely thought I was going to throw up. Most of the conversation revolved around him refusing to acknowledge anything other than being friendly, with me reading too much into it!! I hadn't replied to his last text in November, and he hadn't recieved my moment of weakness on New Years Eve, so he had thought his VD text would just disappear into the ether. Fine, I'm willing to acknowledge that - but at the point I replied, and how I replied, he knew! But, of course, still it continues. Fucking idiot I am!!
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