Why?

A long time ago now, when I was a fresh young blogger :-), I began a post about why I write this blog. Although I have made reference to it, I have not quite managed to tie it down, so tonight I thought it was apt to comment further.

When I first began to write it was to get out a whole lot of stuff that was clogging up my brain, to get it all out and to let go of it, as well as to remember emotions and events and to track the long, hard climb to the light at the end of the tunnel. It was also about trying to get 'he who shall not be named' (and that's NOT Lord Voldemort for all you Harry Potter fans!) to believe my depth of feeling for him, for him to understand me and my actions, as well as to get some responsibility from him for his part in that, and continuance in that. And finally, as a general diary for me to keep and look back on, which being the lazy cow I am needs a certain amount of external encouragement to ensure I continue to keep it.

So how successful a venture has this been?

Well, my brain remains clogged with crap, but it is no longer fuddled with a continual whirring of questions, self-reproach and emotional upheaval. The crap now is the never ending (and that's not a bad thing) circle of questions regarding life, love and the universe in general, (not to mention the usual pointless and completely forgettable crap of course!!), which is much more positive crap to carry around every day.

I have managed to "say" all I wanted to say to HWSNBM, and after much dialogue I now realise he will never really understand me, my depth of feeling or my actions, all of which go hand in hand with each other. Most importantly, he won't ever take any responsibility for some of that, in fact I really believe now that he absolutely cannot see it. And that has helped, even though it hurt, and that can only be a good thing.

As a diary, I have continued to post, almost daily (and sometimes more so!!) for over three months, which is the longest amount of time I have ever managed to document my life before! And that is down to the people who (misguidedly maybe!) take the time out to read and to comment. It doesn't affect what I post, but it definitely makes a difference to whether I post or not! So also a success.

And now? Now I write this blog purely as a diary, a personal diary (if a shared one also) that I will be able to look back upon in years to come and no doubt cringe, smile, laugh, groan and cry about. The story of my life. An ordinary life that is so like other people's in so many ways, and yet never exactly the same as any other one individuals.

I wish I'd started this years ago! That I could look back on all the crazy, boring, happy and dreadful times of my life that came before, times which juvenile dementia (seriously, I swear I have it!!) prevents me from remembering with anywhere near enough clarity to recall coherently now. But that time is all gone now, and although I might dip into it occasionally, just for prosperity's sake, it is the here and now that really counts. So, to end this rambling nonesense, just one thing left to say... I'm bloody glad I started this blogging malarkey! Long may it remain!