Return to owner please

I have been deserted!!

I don't know what has happened to my libido just recently, but I think somebody has stolen it away!! If you find a missing libido roaming the plains of blogland, please send it home wit a pat on the bottom! It is currently sorely missed!

Not that I have any great use for it at the moment mind you!

Tis the season to be jolly... tra la la la la, tra la la la!

Well, I have resigned myself to Christmas approaching and have decided that if you can't beat them (or at least just damage them a little!) then you may as well join them!

I used to love Christmas, and am very funny about all my little ways on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, but to be honest, the last few years I have become a bit of a Scrooge about it all! My parents split up about 4 Christmases ago, and despite the fact that I was way beyond childhood, frankly, it naffed my Christmas period up good and proper!! And it has never really recovered since.

Let me explain... (please be aware that I know how selfish and frankly 12 yr old I sound!!). For the last 20 years (before parent split) excepting the very odd and very begrudging forced to go to Y's dad's parents for the day, I have spent Christmas afternoon at my parent's house for dinner, and then falling asleep in front of the tv before dragging upstairs/home to bed. I was happy with this. I liked it! Now... my mum lives as far south as you can get in England, with new partner T (frankly a bit of a twit!), my dad lives in my growing up village with new partner M (okay in small doses), and my siblings (now aged 20, 22, 24) live in local town, Sheffield and as far south as you can go in England. This does not make for an easy family christmas time!!!

So, for the last few years I have kind of shared out where I go, either staying here and it not being the same, or travelling for 7hrs straight and it not being the same. And still being single, I haven't yet managed to replace the previous 20yr history with my own new christmas dinner routine. I'm still not really happy with this change. I still don't like it.

Coupled with this unsatisfactory turn of events, is the fact that one of the only two real, true, ordinary girl traditions I have at christmas time is Christmas Eve. When we put up our tree (always a real one), and for the last few years or so my best friend Across the Miles (ATM) and hubby have come and helped with tree stuff, listened to christmas songs, eaten mince pies and pringles, drank wine, given out and opened presents, and then watched me wrap presents for X and Y after they have gone to bed, before leaving themselves. I have then hoovered, tidied and inevitably got to bed myself at around 1am ready to snooze the night away before the Christmas morning begins! (More on those routines another time!). I was happy with this. I liked it. But since last October, ATM and hubby have lived in New Zealand and are not here for christmas anymore :-( I'm not happy with this. I don't like it.

On top of this general dissatisfaction... not helped by lack of significant partner, (or more likely recent break-ups of non-satisfactory partners), last year was, quite honestly, the worst christmas of my life! I'm not going to harp on about it, if you come here often you can figure it out, if not then go back and read! I couldn't cope with Christmas at all last year. Seriously, not at all. If it hadn't been for X and Y then I wouldn't have even bothered! But of course, I have the little darlings, so I did the best I could do under the circumstances, which was to drive to the end of england, stay with my mum for the whole festive period and let her deal with it. A good job too, because you wouldn't have known it was christmas at my house; I had no decorations, I had no tree, I sent no cards, I didn't even do the kids stockings (luckily Mum did these!). Instead, I went to my mum's, I took presents, I opened presents, I ate dinner, I might even have smiled once or twice, and then we came home and I said job done!

And, now, here we are again! Another year has rolled round (amazingly quickly!), and christmas is here before I'm ready to cope with it. Family and friends have started asking what to get for presents, where we're going for christmas day, and generally getting on with the joy of the festive season. I, however, have been resolutely ignoring it, and trying to pretend if I don't make any decisions then it might just go away. It hasn't. It isn't going to!

Tonight, Y put a christmas cd on upstairs, and when I went up to hoosh them into bed they were dancing round the bedroom and singing along. So we got to talking about what we were going to do for christmas... go to my mum's, stay here, (just ignore it), etc... and Y suddenly says to me, "Well christmas is ruined now anyway, isn't it Mum?"!!! What the....? Where did that come from? So we have a bit of a chat (reluctantly now from him!) about why he thinks that, and about how last Christmas I wasn't very happy, and about how (reading between the lines with reluctant teenager now!) he was all too aware of that and dealing with his own loss too, and do you know what? I suddenly thought, fuck it! Enough is enough!

So... time to regain a little christmas spirit methinks! I've made the decision that X, Y and I are going to stay here for Christmas Eve and do our tree, like we always used to but didn't last year. That we will listen to christmas songs and eat mince pies and pringles on Christmas Eve before they go to bed, like we always used to but didnt last year. And that I will wrap presents til 1am, hoover, tidy and go to bed ready for the next morning, like I always used to, but didn't last year. That we we will do our Christmas morning stuff, then go and eat dinner with my dad, M and 1 sibling, before coming home and going to bed with another christmas over! And, most importantly, I am going to make sure that even if it kills me, I will not have Y say to me in the run-up to christmas next year, "Christmas is ruined for us now Mum, isn't it?".

The advent of taking the piss!

Aha!! I'm here, at bloody last!! And what is most annoying about having such a hard time logging in is that I have a few random posts in my head, and will probably be wanting to spout them muchly this evening. Such as, this....

What is with bloody advent calenders these days??? Why is it that every advent calender I see in shops nowadays has a chocolate behind every number?? Call me miserable, but if I wanted my kids to start the day with chocolate I'd feed them bloody coco pops!

What has happened to the joy of opening a door to discover a tiny wee christmassy picture that took you one day closer to a whole day of presents and chocolate eating, and that being enough excitement!!! I tell you. I refuse to buy chocolate advent calenders (unless I forget to get them at all until 1st December, by which time there is more hope of Santa actually arriving on my roof than getting a non-chocolatey one!!!), and the year before last actually got conned into buying lego and polly pocket ones, where at least they got something keepable and non-edible every day!

And, yes... AND! What in the name of the Christmas spirit himself (not vodka, by the way!) is the point of a pet's advent calender!!!!! I kid you not, I just saw an advent calender for a bloody guinea pig!!! Holy fucking trinity, the world is mad!!

Damn bloody McAfee!!!!

I have McAfee Site Advisor on my computer. I am not sure how it got here mind you, but it recently has!!! And it is driving me mad with Blogger!! It won't let me click on the sign in links properly. I have been cursing blogger all weekend for not letting me sign in and post, when all along I think it's that damn McAfee....!

Return

I'm back!! I can't believe I haven't posted since Monday!!! Blimey g'vner! I have had a busy week and am now knackered. And I've also been a bit low this week. A combination of things really; struggling a bit with some self confidence issues (physically), but mainly this time of year I think. I'll be happier once we're into January!

So, what have I been up to? Well, I was poorly poorly Sunday and Monday (and now X is poorly tonight! Though thankfully no throwing up. Yet! I suspect I shall be having a little visitor into bed with me tonight!). I had outreach on Tuesday so didn't get back until late and was generally whacked out. Wednesday my friend Disco came round for the evening, pretty much straight from work, so we spent the evening yapping and gossiping as girlies do! (And what a suspicious mind you have Joe!!), then last night I went to see the new James Blond with CM.

A quick note on James Blond... I have to admit to being a tad doubtful at a blondies ability to pull it off properly, but having seen the film I have to say I was pleasantly surprised! He is a completely different Bond to those who have come before; a much more kick ass Bond, but it actually works. On the negative side, I thought it was pushing it a bit for a 12A (the torture scene was a bit too much I thought!), I missed the sleazy one liners that have been so much a part of the previous films, the plot was a little all over the place in parts, and the love stuff was way overplayed for my liking. They could easily have cut 75% of that and still got the feel. All in all though, it was a damn good watch and I'm much impressed with Mr Craig! (Still don't fancy him though!)

I am absolutely GUTTTED though, that I missed the last 2 bloody minutes!!!!!! Can you believe it! Twat! That's what I am! I was busting for a wee, and didn't want to go because I didn't want to miss anything, (it is a bit like that, non-stop action), but eventually right at the end (I know now!), it seemed like it was finishing and then started going into something else. So, bladder despairing I nipped out for a quick wee to be back for what I figured would be the last 15mins or so. I swear, I had literally just got off the toilet and was zipping my jeans when I heard the bloody theme tune coming through the ceiling from the cinema above!!! Gutted. And then I had to go through the embarrassment of wallking back up the stairs to the cinema as the entire audience was now coming down! I bet they were all thinking... Twat! And they'd be right. CM filled in the plot gap and I obviously didn't miss much, but still damn annoying!

Back to real life... I have a post half finished about my "criteria" for men, but I am really really struggling with it! I feel a bit at sixes and sevens at the moment, and just can't actually get straight in my head what it is I DO want. If anything at all to be honest. That combined with sickness, tiredness, this time of year, and a general body image crisis is not really a conducive atmosphere for figuring out what I want/need. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is! So, I shall have to get my head around it a bit more first.

So, that's about it for now. Thanks to you all for checking in, I will try and catch up with blogs over the weekend, though I'm out partying Saturday night (assuming X is better of course!), so not sure how much time I will have. But I am sure normal service will resume shortly!

Deathbed

I have been poorly :-( Very very poorly!

I have managed to drag myself off my deathbed this evening to just check my comments after spending all yesterday evening feeling sick, followed by several hours of tossing and turning feeling more sick, followed by a glass of water at 4am, followed by projectile vomiting at 4.01am, followed by more hours of tossing and turning feeling sick, followed by a brief sleep, followed by dragging myself out of bed to drive the kids to school, followed by return to house and collapse on sofa, followed by day of tossing and turning still feeling sick, before eventually returning to some kind of human form around 6pm.

I have been at home all day and felt too ill to blog!! Yes, it was that bad!!! But never mind. I survived. Just! I will live to blog another day...!

I started a post yesterday, before being floored with the stomach bug from hell, about my criteria for men, so I will hopefully get around to finishing and posting that this week. Until then, back to bed for me I think!

Yay!! Beta Rocks!!!

Hoorah! I have now changed to Beta and blog looks booooooootiful!!!! And I can finally link all you lovely bloggy readers without losing all my info to the bottom of the page. Hooray hooray! I am one happy blogger!!

(God, how bloody easily pleased am I???!!)

So much for Saturday night!

Well, I'm bloody home already!! Alone!! In my comfy's with a microwave spinach ricotta cannelloni for company!! Goddamn!

The evening with mates was very nice but finished earlier than expected. And then B didn't want to go on anywhere so she got a kebab, got dropped off and I came home to the above scenario! Whoopdebloodydo! What an exciting Saturday night that turned out to be!

CM had come out but then gone to find some mates, which was all good with me as I thought I would be out being amused for several hours later than I have been. So I didn't even get the "nice" shag, let alone the low down and dirty one!

Ho hum, I guess blogland and wanking here I cum...!

Buggering bugger!!

I am going out to out of town pub tonight for a few drinks with one of the girls from work, who's birthday it is, and some of her mates. Going with my mate B (female), after telling CM in the week that I couldn't see him tonight (he was busy last night too).

So, I was in the bath this afternoon, just thinking about the evening, and he text to say hi, etc and to say that it was just him and M out tonight. Now, this got me thinking about M, and about how I could do with a bit of a flirt with him, and how if all four of us went out it could be quite fun , and so I text CM and said he and M could come out with us if they fancied (after checking with B first of course!)

Anyway, after much debating because KD suddenly decided he wanted to go out but only wants to go to hometown local, and M doesn't want to upset KD, and CM doesnt want to upset KD but doesnt want to stay in hometown, and much "for god's sake how bloody old are you lot of GROWN MEN?!!!" from me to CM, the upshot is that CM is coming out with me and B on his own.

GODDAMN!!!! No flirting with M, and now I won't even be able to pull.... :-( Guess that's what you get for being greedy...!

ABC's of me

Saw this on a blog (Can't remember where?? Feel free to comment if you feel I robbed you. I didn't mean to, honest!) and thought I would give it a go...

A - Available: Yes
A - Age: 34 (barely!!)
A - Annoyance: Bullshit (of the verbal kind!)

B - Best Friend: Across the Miles :-)
B - Beer: No thank you very much!! Wine? Vodka? Now you're talking...!
B - Birthday: Much too soon!

C - Crush: More than I can count!
C - Car: Adorable, adorable Rover 25
C - Candy: For a start, it's SWEETS or confectionary, Not candy! But for argument sake... cola bottles, yum yum

D - Day or night: Night time, every time for me
D - Dream Car: Soft top, brand new, personalised number plate Audi TT (well it's a start!)
D - Dog Or Cat: Cats of course. No puppies to be found here.

E - Easiest person to talk to: I talk so much that everyone is easy to talk to
E - Eggs: As long as they're not fertilised (or snotty, eewww!), any way you like.
E - Email: now that would be telling...!

F - Favorite Month: As long as it's not Dec, January or February then I'm happy
F - Favorite color: Blue
F - Favorite Memory: you probably wouldn't want to know...

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Eww, real worms??? Damn, give me the gummi bears just in case!
G - Giver or taker: Both! It's the only way to be.
G - Gum: None of that super super minty stuff thank you!

H - Hair Color: Brunette (with a touch of blonde!)
H - Height: 5' 5
H - Happy: Yeah, getting there!

I - Ice Cream: Always vanilla
I - Instrument: Played the odd pink oboe in my time
I - Idol: Billy please

J - Jewelry: not much
J - Jail: only to work in
J - Job: Blow, please

K - Kids: X and Y (of the chromosome variety)
K - Kickboxing or Finger Painting: Neither! Though kickboxing is much more an inclination. Finger painting? Not on your life!

L - Longest Car Ride: Every time I go to see my mum, who now lives 300 miles away
L - Longest relationship: 4 years
L - Last Kiss: (boy/girl kiss): CM - last Sunday
M - Milk flavor: I don't do milk. In any flavour!!
M - Most missed person(s): Pass!
M - Movie Last Watched: My Super ExGirlfriend. Amusing!

N - Number of Siblings: 2 brothers and 1 sister. 14, 12 and 10 years younger than me, respectively
N - Number of Tattoos: Two (though only one is visible now!
N - Name: Ordinary Girl

O - One wish: To be in my own house by this time next year
O - One Phobia: Goddamn bloody awful bastard spiders
O - One regret: I'm only allowed one??!

P - Pet Peeves: Women who moan about blow jobs!
P - Part of your appearance you like best: My eyes are good, and I'm happy with my nose, my hands and my feet. The rest sucks, lol
P - Part of your Personality you like best: Sarcastic nature - it means I find myself incredibly funny!

Q - Quick or Slow: Can we alternate..?

R - Reason to smile: I don't need a reason! And there are lots of reasons to smile. I just forget that occasionally!
R - Reality TV Show: Big Brother
R - Reason to cry: No more tears for me this year!

S - Song Last Heard: Perfect 10,
S - Season: Spring, spring, spring
S - Shoe: How I wish I could say 6" stilettos! Alas, it's trendy ballet flats for me!

T - Time you woke: Always too early!
T - Time Now: 5.36pm
T - Time for bed: On a weekend? Easily 4am!

U - U love someone: More than one
U - Unpredictable: Would it be predictable to say yes??

V - Vegetable you hate: Marrow
V - Virgin: I used to be!
V - Vacation spot: Any of the European cities. I need to do much, much more of those

W - Worst Habits: Nail biting, and swearing.

X - X-Rated Porn: Yes please!

Y - Year you were born: 1971
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Try to avoid it!

Z - Zoo Animal: Do you know.. I can't remember the last time I went to a zoo..!
Z - Zodiac: Saggyhairyarse

Denial

My washing machine is still leaking. I am still ignoring it!

Actually, wonder if my sexy gardener is any good at plumbing...

Away from culture... back to sex! (Across the miles please look away...!)

I think I need a bloody good shag!!

Not your average "nice" CM shag, but a plain and simple decent bloody good hard shag! I'm not thinking about whether this will be a FB shag, a FWB shag, a potential R shag or any of that malarkey!!

Frankly I don't care about the setting, the context or the potential aftermath! I just want to meet someone who makes my heart race, my tummy tingle and my knickers wet, and who wants to bend me over the nearest available piece of furniture, roger me senseless and cum hard, followed by some afterplay/foreplay and repeat until spent!!

Why is that hardest to find at those times when you want it most??

Ah well, away to bed I suppose! (Now where did I put those batteries...?)

It's culture, innit!

Following on from my previous post I thought I would do "a bit of culture like", and note my favourite books to date...

Absolute Must Reads!
'We Need to Talk About Kevin' - Lionel Shriver
'The Five People You Meet in Heaven' - Mitch Albom
'The Lovely Bones' - Alice Sebold
'My Secret Garden' - Nancy Friday

Highly Recommended!
'Rachel's Holiday' - Marian Keyes
'Wild Swans' - Jung Chang
'Tess of the D'Urbevilles' - Thomas Hardy
'Call Me Elizabeth' - Dawn Annandale
'Bleak House' - Charles Dickens

And finally...!
'Alphabet weekends' - Elizabeth Noble
'A Picture of Dorian Gray' - Oscar Wilde
'My Sister's Keeper' - Jodi Piccoult
'Playing Away' - Adele Parks
'Jude the Obscure' - Thomas Hardy
'Jemima J' - Jane Green
'Moll Flanders' - Daniel Defoe

Oh god! Can you tell I'm bored....?!!!

Tick tock tick tock

It always amazes me the number of different things that make people "tick"! Not just in relationships, either with the opposite sex or in friendships, or on a physical/mental attraction level, but in general. How some people love sport, some music, some danger, some science, some art, some philosophy, and so on and so on. And how even if you find a group of art lovers, within that group will be impressionists, and modernists, and traditionalists, and so on and so on. And then within each differing style each person will prefer individual artists, and even within similar artist appreciators there will be a variance on which particular piece of art is the most enjoyed!

And when you break all these things down to an individual piece of art, or song, or poem, or experiment, or sport manouevre, or type of person, and then multiply that by the many, many things we encounter in each day, and the many many things that we have a preference on, it really is almost mind-blowing to imagine the extent of differences between people. Sometimes, when I think about the capacity of difference within each human brain, it seriously, seriously astounds me the extent to which we are all entirely different!! Not only physically, but mentally too.

We all have so many million facets to our personalities that make up the individual that we are, and yet, in many ways we are all broad brush strokes of humanity and are united by exactly how similar we are! Despite the many differences we have in what we enjoy and hate and what we desire and detest, we are pretty much all fundamentally looking for the same things in life. Albeit in varying differing packages. And that is really something positively amazing!

Anyway, I seem to have gone off on a bit of a random philosophical tangent, so back to the original reason for my post this evening...! I have posted, read, and listened to a lot of songs in the last little while, and also often have quite a few discussions with varying friends for whom music is an extremely important part of their life. This is good. I like music! But that said, if I had to choose only one thing to keep in the arts, the thing I would not be able to do without, the thing that I would trade for music anytime, anyplace, anywhere is literature!

Quite simply, although I like music, I absolutely adore books! Everything about them!! The pages, the front cover, the pristine crispness of a new book, the dank agedness of an old well thumbed book, just everything! And I will read pretty much anything, dependent on my mood, although like anybody I have genres that don't interest me as much as others. That's only natural and part of the wonder of the human race!

For me, there is absolutely nothing like picking up a book and finding yourself absorbed in somebody else's life for a short while. It is all encompassing. And despite the fact that any book is completely scripted, and that it can only ever be the author's view and vision that is expressed, literature allows for such individualisation and personalisation of the content that in a way everybody reads a different story. And that is something that is missing with television, films and theatre (much as I also loving the theatre!).

There is such little room for your own imagination and interpretation when you are watching a story unfold before you, with ready presented characters and scenery and sounds, that it is much harder to extract your own interpretation of the authors work. And it's a beautiful thing to be able to be so involved but so removed in somebody else's thoughts, and to be able to appreciate the beauty and significance of language and emotion. It is what makes literature special for me in a way that no other "art" can compete with, and why I thought I would give the heads up to the good old novel for a change.

It's also the reason I need more bloody shelves!!

Final thought

Having a Jerry Springer moment I am taking a very quick post for my final thought. I was going to do a long post responding to the yet another comment from DM (see Tue comments), to point out a) the fact that he's missing the point about contact, it's not instigation of it I'm talking about, it's continuing to engage (ie. continuing to post comments!), b) the frankly ludicrousness of his statement regarding my desire for reading material, and c)a rundown of the factual inaccuracy of what he has now just said. However, frankly, I can't be arsed!

So, instead, I am using this final thought to say I shall no longer be responding to any comments from or about him, whether they are good or bad!! I am always interested to read comments, of course, even if sometimes I don't agree with them, but I'm not willing to engage in this any longer, so will make that clear before getting any. That way I can't be accused of not responding to any comments on him/me/the situation due to being a bunny boiler/in denial/not being able to cope, or that I am handpicking comments or responses, or whatever other reason possible. So, that's it really!!

Take care of yourself... and each other!

Sleepy

Just got back from outreach and too tired to blog :-( Will be sure to make it a good one tomorrow!! Nighty night!

To the troops

Thank you to you all xx

Fighting spirit

Of course you're still reading it? Of course?? I'm sorry but I don't see any "of course" about it?? And it amazes me that you can't see why I don't see that! Yes, I wanted you to read it, you're right, that is why I sent you the link, and yes I guess I wanted to still be connected to you in some way. But that is because I wanted it to make a difference to how we are now, because I wanted it to change us. As well as writing for a whole lot of reasons not connected to you. Do I want you to keep on reading it?? If it's not going to make a difference then I don't see why you would?

And actually, texting you had nothing at all to do with my blog. I texted you because I missed you, and because I wanted you to know that at that point in time all I wanted was to be hugged close to you somewhere warm and dark. Also, because I wanted you to know that if something happens to you its important to me that I would get to know about it. That was why I texted you. I don't see what that has to do with my blog, or how that helps me know you're reading it??? The two things aren't inter-related at all.

Two reasons you read eh? Because I'm writing about you and "what little I know about you now". Actually I don't write about you, because you're right, I don't know anything at all about your life now. (And yeah, I did get the single reference you dropped in by the way. Clever. And because you're no doubt interested to know, yes it bugs me that I want to know whether you've finished with prissy Paula or not. And yes it bugs me that it still makes me feel physically sick to think of you with somebody else. And yes it bugs me that right now I want to shake you, slap your face and fuck you, hard. All at the same time. Are you glad to know that?!). So, as I said, I don't write about you and your life, I write about me, and how I feel about you, about me, about our past, about my present, about my future. So, why would you be interested in that??

And you care about what happens to me??? Yeah, you care so much that you came into my life, led me to believe that you were here to stay, and then fucked off without any explanation. But yet you're still here!! And what are you going to do if something bad happens to me?? If I'm not alright?? Come back and make it all better? You should think long and hard about that, because one day you might no longer have the chance...

Or are you really here for another reason altogether?? I try to "put down what you're doing here"? I'm sure I don't! I don't criticise you being here, but I question what you're doing here, because you know, if I'm to believe what you tell yourself, I actually don't have a fucking clue why you're here!! Maybe because you can't actually let yourself not be?? How many times a day do you think about me Darren?? Honestly, how many times...? Because I would put money on the fact you can count it by the day! For once in your life, cut the fucking crap and take a long hard look at yourself!! Because frankly, I'm not buying either of your reasons at the moment.

And, of course, I'm the one that keeps this going! You know, I wonder if you really believe this?? Why is it in my hands to stop it? You're the one that wanted out! Why haven't you stopped it once and for all? You know you could have done a long long time ago!!

Yes I write my blog, and yes I sent you the link, but you choose to read it! And often, rather than not I would wager. Not just an occasional weekly check in eh? No, I'm sure not!! How many times have you checked in today Darren? Who are you trying to kid that this is just me that keeps this going?!! And yes I do text you (very very rarely now), and you could ignore them too, but instead you choose to reply saying you didn't get it and did I put a +1 at the front of the number. Thereby making sure I have the number!! But of course, it's just me keeping this going. You have no part in it at all! I mean, you wouldn't dream of posting about my kids on here, or song links that imply I just need to wait for you and you'll come back one day. Oh no, not you! You're too busy having a ball trying to get on with your life, right?

And don't patronise me Darren, you should know me better than that. It doesn't suit you to sound so smug in the knowledge that I'll always want you in my life. Though of course that has been how I have felt, and it may be how I feel again. I don't know. But what your comment tells me more than anything, is that I'm not the only one in denial here!! You badly underestimated me a long time ago, you might want to learn from that! Because you can kid yourself all you like, but you should know better than to think you can kid me. I may not know you as well as I thought, but then again, maybe I do still know you better than you know yourself...!

I'm not going to ask you to stop reading. I'm not going to give you the option of making it easy for you. Decide what you will. Let your stubborn Taurean streak do it's best or it's worse. I'm not going to stop blogging, and I'm strong enough to cope with whatever decision you make. So, you know what... do what the fuck you like! I'm done!

Maybe goodbye?

I woke up this morning to a text from DM saying he hadn't replied to my text because he hadn't received it. Which means he knows from here, which means he's still checking in. I had a feeling he was, a feeling that the very tiny, very strained thread of connection hadn't completely snapped, but after his last couple of anonymous posts, and considering some of the content here, I thought he had gone. But now I know for sure that that isn't the case. I don't understand that? I don't know why he is reading? I don't understand why he would let me know he is reading?

I originally sent him the link because he was so much a part of it. After my (somewhat laughable now) "closure" I assumed he would just disappear. He didn't, but with time I assumed he would just lose interest. That he would be so busy with his "perfect" life that he wouldn't bother with mine. I don't understand why he would even be remotely interested in my life anymore? He obviously doesn't want to be a part of it.

I don't know how I feel about this now? I'm not sure if I will have to leave? Maybe I will move blogs and start again...? I don't know, I just don't know!!

Confession

I found DMs phone number on an old email the other night and texted him. He didn't reply. Why the fuck would he?!

International fame and fortune...? Not today it seems!

I was nearly on the telly today!! Was invited by regional tv company to do an interview on prostitution in our area, but damn line manager vetoed it!!!!

Grrr, I wanted my five minutes of fame!

It's all in the stars!!

A few days ago I emailed Vi (http://villagesecrets.blogspot.com/) for her to do a birth chart reading for me. Now, before I post it I have to admit to a slight scepticism about it all when I requested it. After all, a lot of people have similar characteristics, and if it is written positively who's going to say I'm not like that! However, I do think that if the moon can move the tides and we are 90% water there is a chance that it can affect us too! Also, if anything, I am pretty much spot on for my star sign (although not a massive traveller - well not far distances anyway), and I know a lot of people who display similar characteristics to others in their star sign. So I was curious to see what she would come up with, and here it is...

Sun sign - Sagittarius (Basic personality)
Your enthusiasm can often lead to risk-taking and foolhardiness. You will need to govern, if not curb, your eagerness. Your tendency to move swiftly from one task to another is a useful quality, but there can be a tendency to do too many things at the same time. You have great breadth of vision but often find details boring.

Okay, I think it's safe to say risk-taking may be a particular attribute of mine! Not to mention foolhardiness!!! I just leap straight in!! I am also a bit of a flitter, in personal life and professional one, and am usually doing fifteen things at once (not necessarily very well!!). Details, details? Damn those details, let someone else work them out. Although that said, I can be a finickity bloody madam!

Relationships
Claustrophobia is the enemy of you, and any partnership in which the lover is possessive, will be difficult. Relationships need to be based on shared ntellectual pursuits. You make a wonderful parent because you encourage and stimulate your children.

The partner bit, on the ball!!!! I soooo need my space! (Whilst at the same time feeling nurtured, wanted, stimulated and fulfilled of course!!). As for the parenting thing... not so sure. I'm not an awful parent, just not a wonderful one. I don't have the patience to be honest. But, hey, I'm saving for their therapy when they get older...

Career
Challenge is essential where a career is concerned; publishing and the law are typical Sagittarian professions. They tend to learn languages easily and make enthusiastic teachers and lecturers.

Definitely need a challenge in work, and my degree is a major in Law with Philosophy!! Very seriously considered a career in publishing in the past, although it doesn't have that helping people element. Would love to be a lecturer (use this instead!!) but am too flighty to know any one subject absolutely well enough. Languages...? Eurgh!!

Leisure
You enjoy physical and intellectual travel. You love food and drink, and even with a strict exercise regime tend to put on weight.

Intellectual travel most definitely. I think the physical travel will come more in the future. I do always love to come home though!!! Damn this reading. Absolutely no exercise regime!!! You've outed me as a fatty!

Capricorn as Ascendant (what does that mean??)
Your self confidence fluctuates badly, leaving you very unsure of yourself. You should learn to take yourself at other's high valuation. You show your emotions easily and are caring and sensitive to your partner’s needs.

Oh my god does it ever?? I'm either so far up my own arse with arrogance I can't see daylight, or I'm amazed that anybody in their right mind would even bother to look at me let alone anything else!! Pretty much an open book with emotions!! (Had any of you noticed...!). Of course I'm caring and sensitive to my partners needs! (If they're worth it of course!)

The moon in Taurus (elements of personality)
You are protective of your physical and emotional environment, and tend to respond defensively when your security is under threat. Even if you do not seem concerned about your income, or your partner’s happiness, you will be quick to act when anything may affect them. You tend to be obsessed with yourself and your problems, and to some extent, fixated on doing the right thing. You have a strong element of practicality and common sense, but problems may arise because of your tendency to be possessive and stubborn. You have the love of good food and good living, unfortunately, you tend to put on weight easily, and will need to resist over-consumption of rich food if your figure and digestion are not to suffer.

Attack is the best form of defence I reckon!! And damn straight I'll protect myself, and those I love (or don't even love actually!!). Yeah, I'm pretty obsessed, lol. It's all about ME!!!! I like to think I do the right thing, perhaps hence my obsession with not promising myself. Hmmm, don't know if that makes sense now I've typed it!!! Ah well.... Pretty practical and commonsensical I think, and can be damn stubborn if pushed, although less so than years ago. Grrrrrr, there's that fatty thing again!!!! I don't want to resist!!

Mercury in Sagittarius (The mind)
If your superficiality, restlessness, and a tendency to be over-optimistic can be kept in check, there are benefits. The constant search for intellectual stimulation, for instance can often be highly fruitful, although the temptation to flit from one subject to another, so that none are properly studied, should be avoided. There is also considerable breadth of vision, and probably a flair for languages. Your optimism can turn to a total belief in “pie in the sky”; enthusiasm will quickly fizzle out if plans are not rapidly realized. Restlessness - specially mental restlessness – needs to be combated, and physical exercise is a necessity.

Superficial??? As if... ;-) Restless??? Maybe a little... ;-) Over optimistic??? Completely! (When I'm not being a manic depressive!). I do have little patience waiting for things though, and enthusiasm can be massive and then gone if things aren't going the way I like. Spot on with the search thing. I do feel as if I'm on a constant search to be honest. For I don't know what!! For intellectual, emotional and physical stimulation I guess. Never satisfied, me! Hmmm, that flitting thing again!!! Did you read my comment about being unable to be a lecturer!? I do think I have good breadth of vision (although don't we all think that about ourselves??), but again no to the languages. And I don't wanna exercise....!!! (Stamping feet and wailing!!).

Venus in Capricorn (relationships and possessions)
You are an extremely faithful lover, who must ensure that your cool sensuality does not prevent your partner from realizing they are loved. Sometimes a partner will be chosen as a status symbol or for material gain, but in a loving relationship your ambition needs to be shared the partner, when the alliance is geared to personal and financial development. You are a very faithful lover and can be plagued by conflicting desires. You need a great deal of freedom but also prefer to be in a conventional relationship. Clever and calculated risk-taking can result in an excellent income.

Hmm, can see why people would think they weren't loved. But sarcasm is a form of affection with me! Maybe as a status symbol, although I don't think so?? Definitely not for material gain. I'd be a lot better off if I was more bloody mercenary with men!! Not sure about the next sentence?? Did you miss a couple of words out Vi? Definitely plagued by conflicting desires!!! But like the fact that it appreciates what a faithful lover I am. See, I told you so :-P I do need a lot of freedom, but it's true I do need to be in a conventional (read, not open!!) relationship. It might result in an excellent income, but not sure I'm capable of managing to pull it off in this area!!

Mars in Pisces (energy levels)
You have an emotional force that is so strong that confining it is a danger,and failing to use it a waste. If not used positively, all this emotion can result in mental stagnation and even psychological problems. You are perhaps most usefully occupied in the caring professions, or helping those in need, but you should also try to satisfy your own needs. You are passionate and sensual, yet you are capable of sacrificing a fulfilling personal relationship in order to pursue a vocation helping others who are in need. Sometimes there could be indecision and a real tendency not to face up to reality. You may have an original imagination that will
need a creative outlet, but you can also be afflicted by a lack of self-confidence and you must have a great deal of reassurance and support from your friends, who will need to encourage you to follow your heart and your instincts.

I guess I do have a pretty strong emotional force. A bit like a bloody whirlwind sometimes. When I care about something/someone passionately, I will move heaven and earth if I can! Can see the possibility of that, but think I manage to prevent stagnation. Always have worked in caring professions, in one way or another, but I do satisfy my own needs also. Passionate, yes. Sensual, I'm not sure. Lusty may be a better word! I don't think I would sacrifice a personal relationship to help others. I may be good, but I'm not that good. Personal relationships will always be my priority I think. Lol, I've realised more and more in the last year how bad I am at facing up to crap reality. Denial is a wonderful thing I think!! I'm not sure I'm particularly creative? Not in the traditional sense anyway. Although most of the time I'm Miss Confidence Supremo , yes sometimes, I do suffer with a complete lack of it. (Nothing if not a paradox, me!!!). My friends are great, and yes I do sometimes need a lot of reassurance from them. Never need encouraging to follow my heart, in fact, sometimes I think I should listen to it less!! (Although it may be my groin speaking rather than my heart most of the time!!). As for instincts... I don't really listen to them anymore. I think they lie to me!!!

Jupiter in Gemini (knowledge)
You are economical with words and put your views across forcefully, succinctly and impartially. You are capable of highly disciplined thought, and may excel at maths and science. However, you may sometimes be considered uncommunicative, and when you do speak out you are likely to be cynical or sarcastic. You often have to resort to your off-beat humour when you offend others by expressing yourself more harshly than you intended. You insist on honesty in communication, but you need to guard against excessive criticism. You are prone to suspicion and doubt, and positive thinking and an optimistic outlook should be cultivated.

I am sure I do speak my views forcefully and impartially, but succintly and economical with words??? Why use one word when you can use 3??? Not so good at disciplining thought (back to the flitting thing), and don't feel I have a math/science brain. (That's my boy!!! Perhaps he gets it from me then!). I don't think I'm uncommunicative at all, although I have to admit to being highly sarcastic and increasingly cynical (or appear to be anyway). Have been known to cause offence many a time, it's a result of a complete lack of tact, and an over honesty sometimes. Excessive criticism? Only lightly... As I said before, sarcasm is a form of affection with me!! Not really suspicious and doubtful. Although, thinking about it I do have this side to me. See, I told you I was a bloody paradox!! Over optimistic and suspicous and doubtful!!!

Uranus in Libra. (expressions)
You are loving and romantic, possess a strong independent streak that will battle constantly against your longing for a solid and lasting personal relationship. Your partner will sometimes feel that he is being treated coolly, and that you are too independent to make a proper commitment. You are a faithful friend, completely dependable, and always ready to give as much consideration and time to your friends as they need. Sympathy and kindness are also attributes. If you are accused of being distant to relatives or loved ones, you should try to cultivate the same degree of affection you show your friends.

Not sure about the romantic thing, I guess it's down to semantics. Yes, definitely possess too much of an independent streak, and it is a bit of a raging battle. I can see why partners could feel I'm too independent to make a commitment... well DM certainly did!!!! I'm a faithful and dependable (whilst independent!!)everything to anyone that matters, and will fight tooth and nail for anyone I care about. Yeah, I'm pretty sympathetic, although I don't know about kind?? It's different with friends though. There's no pressure. I do find it really hard to show someone real true affection. I use sex for that to be honest. Sounds odd, but for me it's a way of expressing my emotion and affection. Even if it's not all hearts and flowers "making luurve"! Men need to figure that out!! And bloody trust in me when I tell them things!! Because if I don't mean it, I don't say it!!!

Neptune in Sagittarius
You have a strong sense of social justice, your idealistic, hopeful and positive. You have to be tough to cope with the demands of life. You have a sympathetic side to your personality, and a sense of optimism that should help you solve some of the problems of the future. You will have a strong indentifaction with nature and with animals, and may reject potentially cruel farming methods.

Absolutely I do!!! That's why I do the job I do. And I think I am all those things. I'm pretty tough. I have to be! No point in sitting moaning about it. (Apart from on here on those bad days of course!). Not sure I have any kind of identification with nature or animals, and whilst of course I wouldn't condone cruelty to anything, I'm not big on animal cruelty issues. There are far too many other ugly, ugly things going on in the world!

Pluto in Libra (influence on others)
Sexual permissiveness and relaxation of traditional moral values is a strong influence in you. Sometimes you cause problems just for the fun of solving them. This is particularly the case in emotional partnerships, where the pleasure of reconciliation is considered well worth a few hours of unproductive argument.

And to finish it all off... anyone recognising me here!!!!?? Bring on the sexual permissiveness. In fact, I wrote a 15,000 word law dissertation on how the English legal system restricts our sexual practices, and whether it has the right to do so!! And lol, I think it's safe to say that I certainly do like a complicated life...!

So, there you have it!!! OG in a nutshell!!! (Well not actually a nutshell because it was a bloody long post!!!) I am truly, truly shocked at exactly how accurate that all was after I sat down and read it properly. And a couple of things have made me think...!

And I have to say a big, big thank you to Vi for doing that for me. Damn, you should charge woman!!! (hehehehe, especially now I've had mine done for free!!).

It would be great to hear what you all think of it, in relation to what you know about me from this blog. Which to be honest, is pretty straight up about me! And of my two rl readers, would be fantastic to get your opinion on how accurately you think this sums me up. After all, I might just be deluded...!

Calm

This is the post I started yesterday, before I read a really nice comment from 'Dave in Chicago', commenting on a post I wrote a month ago about cutting the cord. It prompted me to go back and read what I'd written, and as you can tell from last nights posts, made me sad.

But back to today... Life is pretty calm at the moment. I am feeling very cool about pretty much everything. And not in a bad way!! Cool with the CM situation after M's comments at the weekend. Cool with flirting with M Saturday night. Cool with biding my time for the potential SG action. Cool with my online chatting buddy/potential meet. Even cool(ish) with the lack of my DM! I'm not too used to calm, and generally it doesn't sit well with me, but manic can't be maintained for too long without the lull, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm (which will of course invariably come!!).

The benefit of calm of course is that I have more time for slightly more random blogging; a more general perception into my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc rather than trying to keep up with the complexities of actual life.

So, that said, and in response to some of the comments from my previous post, as well as some recent posts by Joe, I thought I would expand a little on the "Sex" post with a few thoughts on relationships, monogomy, fidelity and maybe even sex in relationships? Who knows, lets just see where the rambling leads....

A couple of you mentioned the R, namely the relationship thing. Just want to get one thing straight. I don't believe FBs, FWBs or casual sex is necessarily the way to go, and I can't stress enough how difficult these types of encounters are to successfully maintain. But they have their time and their place, and can be really rewarding in many instances. That said, though it may seem as if that is all I'm interested in, in fact, what I would like, of course, is to meet somebody (else) who makes me want to dive wholeheartedly into the R!!

That too is not easy to achieve, and while getting a shag is, quite frankly, bloody easy, and getting a "boyfriend" (God I hate that word, sounds like school days!) is actually pretty easy too, finding someone that I want to be with and wants to be with me in equal measure is damn bloody difficult. Factor in the need for mental, emotional and physical stimulation as well as a damn good sex life, and it's no wonder it took me 17 years of relationships to meet that person!!!

And however great FBs, FWBs and casual sex may be, I know from experience that in terms of consistent emotional and sexual satisfaction, there is nothing like having fantastic sex with someone you love and who loves you too. And that can never be underestimated!

It may surprise some of you to know that despite my somewhat 'colourful' past, I am a great believer in my own fidelity. In fact, I'm not, by nature, a cheater. Never have been, doubt I ever will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no complete innocent, I have cheated twice in my life that I can recall. (I'm still trying to work out if fucking MW the other week was cheating on CM?? Maybe. I can see an argument for it being. But to be honest, me and CM are so casual that I don't really believe that it was. Feel free to disagree!). Anyway, back to the point. It's not a massive moral issue, in fact I have encouraged plenty of infidelity in others, but in myself...? No.

The only two times I consider that I truly cheated were on the same boyfriend. A long term boyfriend, Army Boy, who I was seeing for about 9 months before he left the army and moved in with me for another 6months. I genuinely thought the world of him, and still do! He is a great bloke and we had a fantastic time the whole time we were together, but in the end we were just in different places and wanting different things. We called it a day mutually but sadly.

About 3 months into the relationship, with AB away at base for the 3rd weekend in a row, and me feeling like he wasn't that bothered about being with me, I went out for the night with "Smiler", a really really close mate of AB and an ex-boyfriend of mine (it was Smiler that introduced us!), that I was still really close too, and had previously developed a satisfactory (if sporadic) FWB relationship with. And that night he started to get a bit frisky, and I told him not to because I really liked AB, and then he really really piled on the pressure and the guilt trip about how I loved AB more than him now, blah blah blah. And being a sucker, and feeling guilty for rejecting him, and feeling unloved by AB, I shagged him. I didn't enjoy it at the time, I didn't feel good about it at the time, and I felt like fucking shit afterwards. Particularly when I then spoke to BB and he was all "Did you have a good weekend? How's Smiler. I'm missing you, I love you, and so on and so on". And despite the fact that I still believe that given the emotional situation there were some 'extenuating circumstances', I know if it had been the other way round I wouldn't have accepted that, and that in fact I was just guilty, guilty, guilty!!!

So, you think I'd learn my lesson. But a year later, still with AB, when our relationship was all but down the pan, I did it again. With another of his best friends!! This time, with "Jason". Now, Jason and I had been friends for years, and had always had this flirty flirty relationship where we just seemed to always be seeing someone else when the other was single. There was definite chemistry there, and much much later I realised that sub-consciously I'd thought for years that he would be the one person I would end up with. So, I was unhappy, I knew me and AB were about done, he had gone to spend the weekend with his family in London, which I hadn't wanted him to do that weekend, and I knew that ending things was the right thing for both of us at the time, it was still an awfully sad time. Jason had just split up with his long term girlfriend and we went out for the night, as we had done many times before. Went back to mine for a drink and one thing led to another... Unlike with Smiler, it was fantastic. It was like coming home in a way. Emotional, tense, needed, a long time in the waiting. But despite that, and despite the fact that AB and I called it a day later that week, I still cheated, and I still felt awful about it, really really awful.

The only saving grace I have from those two occasions is that AB never found out. In fact, to this day I don't think he knows. Neither Smiler or Jason would be likely to tell him of course!! And I'm so glad for that! Not because of the shit I would no doubt have taken for it, but because it wouldn't have been fair for him to have to deal with that. He didn't need to know. He didn't need to have that potential negative impact on his life and his future.

And that brings me on to the subject of confessing to infidelity. In my opinion, don't!!! It is bad enough to cheat. It is far, far worse to admit to it!! What good does it do anybody?? It is the most selfish thing you can do, I think. To offload all that guilt and pain onto somebody else, especially on to somebody else who is innocent in the whole situation, is just damn selfish!! And people who do, do no more than take their burden and pass it on to somebody else so they can feel better about someting that is their fault!! Just hand it over and pat themselves on the back for being "so honest". Bullshit!! Fuck honesty in that situation. You dealt it, then you deal with it!!

So, that's my experiences with being a cheater. And it doesn't sit well with me. And not only has it felt bad, but I just don't get it!! If you can cheat on somebody, then you aren't with the right person. And if you're not with the right person then get out of it!! I know people may think this is simplistic, and maybe as I get older I can see that sometimes there are other factors that make things more complicated, and maybe some relationships can survive infidelity (to a point!), but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, if I loved somebody I would never, never cheat. I would rather leave first!

When I was with DM, despite the fact that SG was hot, and I did fancy him, of course I did, I would never in a million years have dreamed of doing anything with him. Why would I want to? I had everything, and more, that I could ever have wanted in a partner, what could another man have possibly given me? Why would I even think about putting that all at risk? I wouldn't! It's as simple as that!!

So, yes, I do believe in fidelity, and it's important to me that whoever I end up with (if I ever do of course!!), believes in that too! That said, if other people want to cheat then they can go ahead, that's their choice to make, and I wouldn't condemn people for making that choice. Damn, I've benefited myself from it enough in the past!!! And although I can juggle any amount of potentials and casuals, when it comes to love and R's, I'll stick to just one man thank you!

Well enough of that for today, and back to lighter times...! Having achieved my first successful youtube link yesterday, am getting cocky and posting another one! Just loving this on my cd player right now!!

Lost

For all my knowledge, experience, intelligence, and whatever else. Today I feel lost. Just that. Lost.

Always waiting...

For my one true love...



Although life goes on, there'll always be that space for him...

Sex!

Well, as you all seem so interested, I thought I had better hold good my promise to blog on my opinions on sex! Not love, not "making love", not sex that occurs in long-term (or even short-term) relationships, but sex of the other varieties...

I have spoken about fuck buddies before, and have even drawn up my "rules for fuck buddies": (A day in the life of the ordinary girl: Rules!!) But I think it's important to expand on my views a little, or to attempt make it clearer anyway.

Fuck buddies are about sex. That's it really! It's about sex!!! Two people, who for whatever reason, want to fuck, and have found each other to fulfill that in themselves. Yes, maybe a glass of wine before. Yes, maybe a chat for a bit after. But no "just calling to see how you are doing". No going out for dinner. No trips to the cinema/pub/theatre. No building any kind of relationship that exists outside the bedroom (or other sexual arena). Of course honesty, mutual liking and respect are important, but it's not about the future, it's not about feelings, it's not about anything other than sex!! Have I made that clear?!!

And although that sounds very simple, don't get me wrong, I would argue that for most people it is not that easy. True fuck buddies are not easy to find, and not easy to keep. It requires a pretty exact match of two people's situations, timings, and emotions to be truly successful. One party can absolutely NOT want more than the other or it is not a genuine match of desire, and that mismatch is what stores up problems for the future.

As a matter of interest, and perhaps to add credence to my argument, I can cite my own experience. I have had many (many, many, many) sexual relationships. Don't ask me how many because actually I don't know! Why would I? Some of these have been one nighters, some for a short period of time, some for a longer period of time, some for a long, long time. Some of them have been awful, the majority have been good, some have been fantastic. Most have been ended by me but some have been ended by others, either mutually or occasionally not.

Anyway, out of all these varying and numerous sexual encounters, I have only ever managed to have 1, (yes I said 1!!) successful fuck buddy arrangement. An arrangement that we were both completely cool with, and that we both wanted the exact same thing out of. And it was great. Very freeing. Very undemanding. Very respectful. Very equal.

It lasted a few months until one of our situations changed and then it ended. No recriminations, no hurt feelings, no need for major discussion, just an acknowledgement of moving on. I still see him occasionally, we still flirt, he would probably be happy to go back to our arrangement (he has expressed that recently), but I am in a different place now, as is he, and I know it wouldn't work. So what would be the point?

Now,on to friends with benefits (FWB's). Although similar, this is NOT the same as a fuck buddy! Fuck buddies are about sex (they are called FUCK buddies you know!), FWB's are about FRIENDS, but with the added benefit of sex sometimes being thrown in.

So, feel free to do the ringing for a chat, the cinemas/pubs/clubs/theatres, building a friendship with this person. Because actually that is what this is primarily about. Acknowledging a mutual like for this person, a desire to spend some time with them, a wish to get to know them and to build a friendship for the future. And if sometimes after these mutually enjoyable friend times you happen to hit the sack and get raunchy then all well and good!!

However, and there is always a however, although FWB's are not the same as fuck buddies, there are some similarities. Although you may wish to have this person in your life as a friend, we can assume that you don't want to have a relationship with them (or you would!), so it is important to remember that. Again, it has to be an EQUAL relationship, one party can't want more than the other.

The sex is just an added benefit to what is already great, it is not the basis for your relationship, nor the be all and end all of it. It's the icing on the cake I guess, but you have to want the cake in the first place, and you have to be happy to have the cake without the icing! If you shag every time you see each other then I'd say warning bells should be ringing. And I'd argue it would be completely inappropriate to booty call an FWB, because that isn't the purpose of your relationship, it's an occasional result.

In some ways, this is harder to maintain than the fuck buddy thing. Because it involves some blurring of edges. It can get hazy and I'd say can be more likely to lead into dissatisfaction from one party, without the somewhat harsh rules of the FB situations to keep it in check. Again, it's all about balance, and all about mutual desires and expectations for the future.

That said, I have maintained a couple of good FWB situations over the years, but the benefits have been most definitely an incidental part of what has actually been very very good friendships. They take time, most definitely, in order to progress to being friends enough to cope with the benefits, and then to carry that friendship through when the time comes that the benefits are no longer appropriate.

Finally, just to cover casual sex... Take note of the word CASUAL! (You know, these things are named these ways for a reason!!!) Casual sex is where you probably know someone, (maybe you don't but in my world fucking strangers is just that, fucking strangers!), and you may have slept with them before, you may not. You may be friends, you may not. And for whatever reasons, at some point you end up shagging the brains out of each other. That's it! You might do it again a few weeks/months/years later when similar circumstances arrive, you might not. But if you do then it's a completely random occasion that 'just happens'. There is no forethought to it and there are no recriminations from it.

If it gets to be regular casual sex then depending on your relationship it might turn into a FWB or a FB situation, but the fundamental difference, I would argue, is that there isn't any 'planning' to it, either directly or indirectly. It doesn't have an ending or a beginning but is just a bunch of random and casual sexual contacts.

I have had no end of casual sex encounters. Some of them wonderful, some disappointing, some of them expected, but a lot of them completely surprising and all the better for being so unexpected. Some of them have been one offs, a lot of them have been repeated a few times. And if you accept casual sex for just as it is then this is perhaps the easiest to achieve, although in terms of filling a sexual gap on regular basis, the most dissatisfying. Again, it's all about knowing what situation you are in and accepting that for what it is, without wanting more. Sometimes you can misjudge it,or be misled by the other party, and it's shit, but that's okay. Just put it down to experience and be more careful in the future!

The bottom line of all the above situations... the one most important and fundamental aspect of any successful sex based relationship... is that it has to be mutually wanted, mutually fulfilling, and desired no more and no less by either party. It should of course always be respectful, honest and fun! If it's not, then potentially it results in a situation where one person is getting more than the other,which by default means one person is getting less than the other! And this leads to false hopes, feelings of rejection, resentment and the sense that somehow you have been 'used' or 'tricked' in some way. If you're happy to get yourself into a situation like that then go ahead, just don't say I didn't tell you so!!

Oh, one final point... In my experience, rarely do any of the above situations develop into "proper" relationships. It may happen, but not often, so bear that in mind and start as you mean to go on!!!

So, thats about it really!! Sex as seen by the Ordinary Girl!! I am sure there are plenty of people who would disagree with my "definitions", and that's fine, go ahead. I have nothing to prove and nothing to defend, it is merely my opinion after all. But trust me, I know what I'm talking about! ;-)

Weekend...

A fairly uneventful weekend. Well if you discount the drunken twattiness of Friday night, and the general dissatisfaction with my life on Saturday!! As I said, I struggled a little this weekend with DM stuff, but pleased to say that I'm back to normal twattiness now! I guess every day that goes by I come closer to forgetting, and every bad day I have moves me further down the great path of recovery, whether I want to go there or not!!

Anyway, the weekend... Went out Saturday night with CM to a friend's son's 18th birthday party!!! I ask you!!! Only went because it was also my friend Disco's birthday, so wanted to see her of course. Fortunately for us, she left early due to some boyfriend stuff, so we managed to escape the joy of a club full of 18yr olds enjoying trance, drum and bass, house, hip hop and god knows what other sort of music I am far too old for!

CM and I saw M and KD at the party, then hooked up with them again when we left (they had lasted even less time than we did!), and went to my favourite divey pub. And actually, we had a really good time. Well I vertainly did and that's what's important :-)

I have to say I absolutely adore being the only female in a group of men that I know and like. I love it, love it, love it! You just get treated so nicely, but at the same time get to indulge in plenty of laddish behaviour. And all three of these boys are great blokes! Even KD, who can be a bit of a self deprecating moany sod sometimes, was on top form. Laughing and chatting and dancing. And M was keeping us very entertained with some cheeky piss takey dance moves and lots of dry humour.

Man, he is a cocky, cheeky, arrogant little fucker, but I just love that. And I have to admit to a tiny bit of flirting... (okay, a whole lot of flirting, considering CM was about and I didn't want to take the piss!!). And although I was a bit concerned about how we would be, considering a couple of weeks ago when I saw him and it was awkward to say the least, Saturday night it was actually really good. In fact, better than really good. We had a bit of a chat and then lapsed straight back into the banter and how we used to be. Which is all good!!

And there is definitely still a chemistry vibe there. And a couple of times I felt that CM was aware of that, and aware of the fact that much as me and him get on, there isn't the same kind of underlying sexual tension there. And don't get me wrong, that is all it is! But what was interesting, was that 2 different people came over to the 4 of us during the night (that they knew but I didn't) and asked if I was M's girlfriend!! So, it's obviously not just me that picked up on it.

So, there was some mild flirting with me and M, a bit of suggestive chat, the spoken acknowledgement of our past and the hint that we are probably not done yet. And that was how it was left, which is very cool with me!

I don't think M would push it while I am still seeing CM, but there is definite possibility for the future. And I like that. Bad bad girl that I am. In fact, I was naughty enough to text M when I got home (who'd made a point of asking if CM was staying over that night), just saying "Night ;-)". He texted back "You be careful", to which I replied "I'm always careful!". Interesting. Very very interesting!!

Another good thing that came out of Saturday night is that M asked CM how he felt about me. Which made me brace myself for the worst when he told me later, but in fact CM said he thinks 'I'm a really great girl but he's not sure it's the right time for him'.

Oh the relief! I feel much more relaxed about the situation now I know he's not falling or investing too much in the situation, and I figure it's cool for us to just enjoy each other's company and the shag until we're not enjoying it anymore. And I think that's probably where he's at too. (I have to admit to dropping a few vague comments into the conversation Sunday morning that implied I didn't expect us to be a forever situation - well never let it be said I lead people on!!)

So, all in all a mixed weekend. I survived Friday night and Saturday, I enjoyed Saturday night and had an okay Sunday. I guess ups and downs are what it's all about!

Feeling lazy

Have got a few posts rattling round in my head... Update on the weekend with CM, and an interesting new development from M (remember him?). Also, feel a post brewing around the differences between fuck buddies, friends with benefits, and casual sex. Some topics as mentioned earlier that I haven't yet got round to covering, as well as something inspired by Joe and his many questions around monogamy, etc.

But for now I am feeling too bloody lazy to be bothered. So instead, a quick post (yes I know the words quick and post are seldom found in these parts!!), just to say thank you to you all for commenting on my delurk. Old, new, occasional, regular, (and duddler you can have a category of your very own if you wish), whoever you are and however often you visit or comment.

I must say, considering my hit counter, either I get a lot of non-stopping through traffic, or all you lovely regs visit loads!!

But I was very pleased to unearth three definite lurkers, namely te, just why and ahem. So welcome to you all, hopefully we may hear from you again. If not, then feel free to lurk all you wish...!

I wonder if there are any more out there....?

Mass de-lurk

I have pinched this mass de-lurk idea from another blog I read, and lurk on, but rarely comment, if at all. The idea is for those people that read blogs but never comment to just reveal themselves for once.

I don’t mean for one moment that readers ought to comment. One of the appeals of the internet, especially where sexual content is concerned, is that one can read and leave no trace. But then, one can comment and still remain anonymous. So the idea is, just for once, I invite you to leave a short message, saying anything you want.

I guess it would be good to know a little more about those who dip in and out of my ordinary life, most importantly why you're here, and what keeps you coming back (if you do). Also, a bit about yourself, where you're from, what you like and don't like about my blog, or anything you choose really. And of course to see if I have any readers other than my faithful few commenters :-)

Of course, my blog remains my blog, and I am sure it will stay just the way it is now for better or worse. But it would be nice for people to say hi.

So go ahead, even if anonymously, just for once, de-lurk!!

I am a binge eater

It's official. I am a binge eater!! Haven't done binge eating in a while, or getting pissed either (incidentally last night reminded me why I don't drink!!), but it seems that this weekend it has made a comeback. And stupidly, because I feel like a fucking heffalump at the moment! So, I have just eaten... 6 small victoria sponge cake bars, a can of tuna and a packet of crisps!! In that order!! Nice! And even that hasn't made the craving for god knows what in my life go away.

I have also just had a wank (perhaps that's what's made me hungry and I am sooooo much an instant gratification girl that I cannot be bothered to cook! Plus I'm going out tonight so actually wouldn't eat a "proper meal" beforehand due to heffalump status! Bingeing seems an infinitely more sensible solution!), which hasn't helped either!!

I just feel restless this weekend. And... I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, but just kind of missing. Like something is missing. Like DM is missing.

And he has been in my head really badly this weekend, worse than the now normal vague awareness that he is no longer a part of my life. This weekend I am actively missing him. Missing his voice, missing his chats, missing his laugh, missing his touch, missing his cock. Just missing him.

I think it is Fireworks night that has brought it all out in me. A poignant and not particularly great reminder of how great it was a year ago. Not helped by X talking non-stop round Sainsbury's about how "...DM bought loads of fireworks last year didn't he... and we had a party... and a firework ran away... and is he coming back soon... and I want to see DM... and of course he is still your boyfriend Mummy....".

I'm also aware of my birthday counting down, and Christmas looming. Neither of which were great last year, fucking understatement of the century, neither of which are likely to be great this year. Because he isn't here. And really that's all I want.

And so now the crying commences. Fucked up. Fucked up!!

i have no more wine

fuck!

it might be a good thing

Pissed!

In a vain attempt to get rid of my crappy cold I am two glasses into a very strong bottle of dessert wine (my favourite), and being a lightweight am now decidedly pissed!

In fact I realise that by the effort it is taking me to type/spell.
And I really shouldn't blog when I'm drunken because I just want to blurb about DM and how much I miss him, and how good my life was a year ago, and how we should be buying fireworks and hot dogs and beign together and getting married and fucking and loving and everything else. He hated dessert wine by the way. A lot of people do. I love it!! It's 15%, oooer!!

And I want to text him, really really want to tex him. And I can't because I dont have his number, to stop me from texting him when I get drunk and it all pours out.

And if i cant text him and cant have him I want to text SG, but i cant do that either because he's not DM and he's married and i'm backing off. and now Im horny thinking about them and it sucks. and i think i shoudl throw my phone away because in this drunken state which doesnt happen very hoften I cant be trusted.

Fukcing ring me DM, you bastard. fucking ring me!

Anonymous

There are places I remember,
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain.

All these places have their moments,
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning,
When I think of love as something new.

And I know I'll never lose affection,
For people and things that came before.
Though I'll often stop and think about them,
In my life I've loved you more.

Stinking cold!

Judgement has descended!! After cancelling CM on Sunday night with the excuse of being knackered and not feeling well, I now feel like crap!!

I have had a bit of a cold coming since Tuesday morning and now have a sniffy nose, a bad chest and my period!! Goddammit!!

And it's nearly the weekend!!!!

Donations welcome :-)

As I've mentioned before (I think!?), I really really want to move house, well buy my own house actually. Must be an age thing!! Although I earn reasonably good money now (£26k), at most I would probably only get a mortgage for around £100k, which will buy you practically nothing in my part of the world, and still cost about £600-700 a month to repay. Just not realistic or feasible for me buying on my own!!

So, I have been looking at some "affordable housing", which basically means you buy 50% and rent 50% until you can afford to buy more, and eventually you can potentially own the whole thing or sell your share and move up the housing market, etc etc. Now this is really the only feasible option to get me on the housing market, other than hook up with someone with a house, put in a few years and then claim some of it as my own. Something, frankly, I'm absolutely not prepared to do!!

Well, I have my eye on some new build (including requisite 10% affordable housing) properties in my hometown, 5 of the planned which would be suitable for me (3bedrooms), 2 due for completion this month, 2 next summer and 1 next Nov. I duly sent off the forms to get myself registered etc and today received an application for one of the 2 now/nearly completed. Yay!!!!

However, there is one drawback!!! On the form it asks if you have £2000 saved to cover the immediate costs of moving, and if not, how will you find this money. Damn!!!!! Damn, damn, damn!!! I don't, of course! Do you think I could write down bank robbery...?

Any ideas on how to get your hands on that kind of money and quick (preferably, but not necessarily, legally!) or donations gratefully accepted... ;-)

Enter the puppy...!

Saw CM last night. In typical fashion, as I am now expressing signs (albeit unconscious ones) that my desire may be waning, the puppy has been awakened. Last night I got lots of loving looks, etc, and it just made me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to have to resolve this soon I think!

A bad girl!!

Inspired by the previous texting between SG and me, and under the influence of a few glasses of wine and the typical insomnia (well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!!), I texted SG in the early hours of Tuesday morning... "And what would you want me to wear anyway x??" Yes I know it was wrong!!! Yes I know I should leave well alone!! Yes I know I am so bad!! But hell, I wanted to know!! (Must say I was kind of expecting a reply that said leather, chains, rubber etc, and was just checking out any potential pervertedness).

SG - Morning hun. Got your text this am. You got little SG up. Ooh, I need options. I like medium to short dresses and skirts. I would need to have a look at a selection. What gets you hot?? On you and on me???

Now I have to say, getting that kind of text in the morning is absolutely conducive to spending the day with damp knickers, but I'm also aware of his situation, and the fact that while he seems to have gone from 0-60 in about 3 seconds, knowing his previous dabbling and then putting the brakes on, I'm kind of expecting that again. But that's all good. I'm not planning on pushing him into anything that is going to cause either of us serious amounts of distress. However, am bad enough to want to see how far he is willing to go at this point...

Me - Damn! Wish I had good legs!! If I was thin and gorgeous I'd wear absolutely anything and everything!! It's been such a long time since I was with anyone long enough to get to that point that I will have to think on it some more... As for what would be hot on you... well that would be me ;-) xx

Oh, I am so bad. Encouraging my gardener in his wicked ways :-) But hey, shoot me! And sure enough, he comes up trumps...

SG - Nice. Think on! You should be more sure of yourself. I think you're hot. Would like to see you in a nice knee length flowing dress. Some nice knickers which you would take off slowly while keeping your dress on. How does that sound??

How does that sound?? How does that sound?? Fuck me now goddamn you!!! I tell you, this is better than I expected, and still waters certainly are proving to run deep! However!!! This is way way further than he's been out before, and I'm aware of that, and I've already decided that if anything more than this is going to happen then it needs to be led by him, because I am not going down the road of being accused of dragging him into a situation. So I decide to test him a little to see how near the back off point is, and I don't reply. Fully expecting a similar response to previously when he's stepped out of the comfort zone (or fucking sprinted out in this case!!!). Sure enough, half an hour later...

SG - I'm bad. I should stop. Can we be mates please??

Kerching!! As expected!! And although a tiny bit of me is a bit disappointed, I know that's a short term irritation, and that if this is going to move up a notch then it needs to be led by him, at his pace, and is likely to be a long way off yet. Each time he edges a little further out before he reigns himself back in, and I'm happy to let things lie as they are. (Besides, it's interesting that he says "I'm bad", not "we're/this is bad", and also that he says "I should stop", not "this has to stop/this must stop"). So, all good, all as expected, and I'm happy to let him settle again (for a while at least!).

Me - Ok. That's fine. Sorry for leading you astray. We all good SG x

SG - Cheers pickle. I'm naughty too. Good to know we cool xx

Me - Yeah, no worries. Don't want to lose a sexy gardener :-) Make sure you come find me if you ever find yourself single though ;-) See you soon x

SG - Will do hun. See you soon xx

So, things with SG on hold for now. But when I look back over our contact in the last 6 weeks or so (especially considering I've known him for over a year), we've come a bloody long long way recently, and I don't think this is the end yet. It's out there now, and it will remain that way, even if we don't mention it for a while. The idea is in both our heads. The acknowledgement of desire has been voiced by both parties. The potential has been set. But let him come in his own time, when the time and the situation is right. I'm not forcing the issue, just opening up the opportunity, and I'm cool with that. I'm not desperate desperate for it, and I don't want something to happen unless he can cope with it, and I really really don't think he's there yet, much as he might like to be! But keep your eye on this space...

PS. I know it may be very boring for you reading my texts, but tough! I like to have them down to look back on, and also to kind of store and then delete from my phone. So I have them to remember if I want, but I'm not distracted by the good ones or burdened by the bad ones by carrying them around in my pocket all day! Kind of like putting them in a safe deposit box I guess!