For all of you lovely people who take the time out of your lives to keep up with mine, firstly, thank you! It's amazing how much of a difference it makes. Really! Secondly, you will know about the appearance of DM today which as you can imagine has sent me into a bit of a headfuck! I wasn't expecting a response at all, but I wasn't shocked to get it either. In my heart of hearts I believe he's been checking in, because I believe he can't help himself from doing so.
To the comment...when I first read those words my initial reaction was to smile and to be glad, and to know that the invisible cord that I can almost feel holding the two of us together is still there. That it doesn't matter that he has stretched it 5000 miles, that it doesn't matter how many times I've stretched it too, it's still there and it's still intact, if a little frayed in places. Because bottom line is, he's still here, and I'm sure that neither of us can explain that.
I have made no secret of not wanting to cut that cord completely, although I thought I had back in June. That turned out to be a short-lived delusion! But this means he hasn't cut it either. Or he wouldn't still be here, he just wouldn't bother. He has absolutely no reason to be even vaguely interested in me anymore, but he is not only reading this but has stepped bang into the arena. For the "whole world" to know about!
All of this, in a heartbeat, was closely followed by "fuck - shut the pc down and run away", closely followed by "I don't want to hear answers that will make it end", closely followed by "I don't want to hear answers that don't end it", closely followed by "how dare he try to take ownership of this blog! It's MY blog about MY life and MY thoughts, it's not another communication arena for me and him", and back to "it's not over".
So, after all those initial and almost instantaneous reactions I had to sit down and think about it properly. Do I really want the answers to these questions...???
The fact they're "out there for the whole world to read" is not at all an issue for me. Nobody out there in the world apart from the people that matter (DM) know who I am, and nobody knows who he or anyone else I refer to are either. And in some ways that makes it better. I don't know why, it just does.
So, do I want to know? Bottom line, yes, I do, and I think he owes me that at least. I don't know what I expect to gain, I don't know if there is anything I can achieve, but I do know I want to know. I guess I want to see if it helps, while not knowing what will help! I have to try to resolve this, and I have tried so many ways so many times that I need to see if this is the way.And whatever way it goes I know I will deal with it in my own fucked up way.
So, for the first, and last, time Darren, I am using this blog to speak to you directly. We have enough communication ways, I don't want to make this another one. Whatever form our communication takes, whether you comment, text, email, phone or turn up on the doorstep I will probably record it here. I write what matters to me, what I want to remember, what I want to spill, I meant it when I said I write this for me. And I choose what to put here, nobody else does. But for this one time, if you choose to spill it all here then you have my blessing.
Yes, I want to know. And I believe you want to tell me. Maybe now's the time for us both to face those answers...
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Questions, questions
Inspired by http://lifeandlovesofawildcat.blogspot.com/ I have decided to post a list of questions that I wish DM would give me answers to. Questions I will probably never get the answers to either, but I'll ask them anyway...
1. Are you happy?
2. Does she make you happy?
3. Do you miss me?
4. Do you want me?
5. Was I wrong about us?
6. Are you ever coming back?
7. How do I move on from this?
And the biggie... WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
1. Are you happy?
2. Does she make you happy?
3. Do you miss me?
4. Do you want me?
5. Was I wrong about us?
6. Are you ever coming back?
7. How do I move on from this?
And the biggie... WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Pictures!
Not of me you muppets!! I thought I would post some pictures of my lovely new car. Because I love it so!! :-)
(Update: too late now, they gone!!!)
(Update: too late now, they gone!!!)
Thought freefall...
Isn't it funny how our actions and thoughts start in one place and end up in a completely different place?!! I was pondering this very thing earlier this evening when I realised I had gone from spiders to schizophrenia via commitment without any problem at all. So, I decided I will attempt to share with you the randomness of my little old brain...
I am knackered at the minute. God knows why but I am. Abso-fucking-loutely knackered. I guess insomnia/night owlness catches up with me in the end. So, I was just putting X and Y to bed when I heard my phone beep a message. Now, as it was lying on my bedside table and as I was knackered, did I mention that already ;-), I decided to lie on my bed for five minutes to read and respond. Had just got myself settled when I noticed a fucking tarantula!! (not a tarantula really for those of you crazy enough to live in places where it could be! A house spider, but a FUCKING BIG one!!), on my BEDROOM wall. Seriously not a good thing.
(I had to go and get the hoover and hoover it up! This of course means I had to leave the hoover on for half an hour to ensure it didn't just crawl back out again (please no comments about how they do!!), which meant that as it was on I thought might as well use it, which led me to hoovering the entire upstairs of my house, and then the downstairs as upstairs didn't take long enough!)
So, back to the spider... I then got to thinking about how mad it is to have such irrational fears (whilst bypassing the thought that the fact that they (and other insects) can walk on ceilings is pretty damn cool - and to be honest, the size of this thing I'm surprised it could make it up the wall!!), and where do they come from? I can appreciate in certain circumstances that it is pretty obvious - if I was savaged by a dog I'm damn sure I wouldn't be in a rush to give any dog a pat on the back, but generally they are not that clear cut. And are we even aware of what irrational fears we have?
So apart from the arachnid thing (and it is only arachnids - I don't mind other creepy crawlies particularly), what other irrational fears do I have? I don't think I do have any. But what about my "fear of commitment?" - I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of hurting other people, which now I come to think about it is totally irrational! And whilst some may say it is an honourable trait to have, I think it is also very egotistical of me to think I'm that important. I mean, to my best knowledge, nobody I have dumped has ever died of a broken heart or suffered serious long term damage or even expressed anything more than the usual hurt from any break up. So where does this worry come from? And it is a worry, a massive one for me. Hence my well rehearsed spiel to any man I may encounter about how I'm fickle, will end up getting bored, blah blah blah. A truly irrational fear if I may say so! And one that leads me into stupid situations on frequent occasions.
But I didn't have that fear with DM (well no more than a flicker of it anyway), so that is interesting. And talking of DM, I realise that I haven't updated my blog with the events after the split, of which there are many! So perhaps I should take the time to do that. So that anybody reading doesn't think I am completely pathetically mourning a lost love that ended last December. So that they know that actually, in my eyes it ended in June. (Actually if I'm totally totally honest I don't really believe it has ended now, but that the situation is just on hold and that at some point in the future he will pop up again.) But then why would I care if a bunch of random strangers (no disrespect folks I like you all, but you know what I mean) thinks that about me anyway? Am I that self conscious?
I don't think I'm very self conscious. Although I am a bit of a paradox I guess. Egoistical and arrogant on one hand and insecure on the other. Perhaps I have some bipolar or schizophrenia disorder? God knows, but my brain hurts thinking about it!!
So... from spiders to schizophrenia. An interesting action/thought journey don't you think...?!
I am knackered at the minute. God knows why but I am. Abso-fucking-loutely knackered. I guess insomnia/night owlness catches up with me in the end. So, I was just putting X and Y to bed when I heard my phone beep a message. Now, as it was lying on my bedside table and as I was knackered, did I mention that already ;-), I decided to lie on my bed for five minutes to read and respond. Had just got myself settled when I noticed a fucking tarantula!! (not a tarantula really for those of you crazy enough to live in places where it could be! A house spider, but a FUCKING BIG one!!), on my BEDROOM wall. Seriously not a good thing.
(I had to go and get the hoover and hoover it up! This of course means I had to leave the hoover on for half an hour to ensure it didn't just crawl back out again (please no comments about how they do!!), which meant that as it was on I thought might as well use it, which led me to hoovering the entire upstairs of my house, and then the downstairs as upstairs didn't take long enough!)
So, back to the spider... I then got to thinking about how mad it is to have such irrational fears (whilst bypassing the thought that the fact that they (and other insects) can walk on ceilings is pretty damn cool - and to be honest, the size of this thing I'm surprised it could make it up the wall!!), and where do they come from? I can appreciate in certain circumstances that it is pretty obvious - if I was savaged by a dog I'm damn sure I wouldn't be in a rush to give any dog a pat on the back, but generally they are not that clear cut. And are we even aware of what irrational fears we have?
So apart from the arachnid thing (and it is only arachnids - I don't mind other creepy crawlies particularly), what other irrational fears do I have? I don't think I do have any. But what about my "fear of commitment?" - I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of hurting other people, which now I come to think about it is totally irrational! And whilst some may say it is an honourable trait to have, I think it is also very egotistical of me to think I'm that important. I mean, to my best knowledge, nobody I have dumped has ever died of a broken heart or suffered serious long term damage or even expressed anything more than the usual hurt from any break up. So where does this worry come from? And it is a worry, a massive one for me. Hence my well rehearsed spiel to any man I may encounter about how I'm fickle, will end up getting bored, blah blah blah. A truly irrational fear if I may say so! And one that leads me into stupid situations on frequent occasions.
But I didn't have that fear with DM (well no more than a flicker of it anyway), so that is interesting. And talking of DM, I realise that I haven't updated my blog with the events after the split, of which there are many! So perhaps I should take the time to do that. So that anybody reading doesn't think I am completely pathetically mourning a lost love that ended last December. So that they know that actually, in my eyes it ended in June. (Actually if I'm totally totally honest I don't really believe it has ended now, but that the situation is just on hold and that at some point in the future he will pop up again.) But then why would I care if a bunch of random strangers (no disrespect folks I like you all, but you know what I mean) thinks that about me anyway? Am I that self conscious?
I don't think I'm very self conscious. Although I am a bit of a paradox I guess. Egoistical and arrogant on one hand and insecure on the other. Perhaps I have some bipolar or schizophrenia disorder? God knows, but my brain hurts thinking about it!!
So... from spiders to schizophrenia. An interesting action/thought journey don't you think...?!
Monday, October 02, 2006
The craic!
After Saturday night I have decided to marry an Irishman! Not because I have met an Irishman, or because I love Irishmen, or because I want to get married! But because the Irish sure do know how to throw a wicked wedding reception!!
The sister of my friend got married on Saturday, and as I have been out with her and her other sisters a few times I got to go to the evening reception :-) Now, as wedding receptions go I have to admit they are usually pretty boring, and as I was going by myself and didn't know many people there, I was not exactly looking forward to it! I duly went along though, and ended up having a fantastic time.
There was a live Irish band called The Duffy's, two of whom are currently touring with WorldParty in America and who came back just to do this wedding reception (Yay, nepotism is a wonderful thing!) and I for one am very glad they did! I can't say I've ever thought of myself as an Irish music fan but these guys were seriously great, and I found that much Irish dancing took place. In fact I have bruises on my arms from being swung around so much!! But it was great fun, and I'm thinking I should learn how to do Irish dancing, at least the group stuff. (Not the Riverdance stuff). Perhaps I will have to rope CM in...
The only blot on the horizon, as always, was the lack of DM! It's funny, but I miss him so much more when I am having a good time, expecially if I know it is something he would love. And he certainly would have (much as he is probably muttering under his breath, yeah right, if he ever stops by to read this - if so, trust me, you would!). He may not have loved the dancing, although I'm sure he would have had a great time laughing at me jigging and twirling like a muppet, but he would have loved the music, lots of fiddle, mandolin and accordian playing, and the atmosphere of everybody just out to have a good time. Really great!! I did have a bit of a wobble half way through thinking of him but managed to keep it together.
Spent yesterday just chilling. Although that said, did have to do the usual tidying, washing, hoovering, cleaning malarkey!! But a nice peaceful day. CM did offer to come round last night, but to be honest I was absolutely knackered. I don't think I've been to bed before 2.30am since last Wednesday!!! I did say we could do something Friday though, so will wait and see.
So a good weekend for me, but a but boring reading for you.
Also started my new job today. Hurray! Spent most of the day moving offices and generally settling myself in, as well as trying to reorganise the computer system! (Ooops, think I deleted a file actually!)
Oh, and I have my beautiful car back. Hurray, hurray, hurray!!!!!
The sister of my friend got married on Saturday, and as I have been out with her and her other sisters a few times I got to go to the evening reception :-) Now, as wedding receptions go I have to admit they are usually pretty boring, and as I was going by myself and didn't know many people there, I was not exactly looking forward to it! I duly went along though, and ended up having a fantastic time.
There was a live Irish band called The Duffy's, two of whom are currently touring with WorldParty in America and who came back just to do this wedding reception (Yay, nepotism is a wonderful thing!) and I for one am very glad they did! I can't say I've ever thought of myself as an Irish music fan but these guys were seriously great, and I found that much Irish dancing took place. In fact I have bruises on my arms from being swung around so much!! But it was great fun, and I'm thinking I should learn how to do Irish dancing, at least the group stuff. (Not the Riverdance stuff). Perhaps I will have to rope CM in...
The only blot on the horizon, as always, was the lack of DM! It's funny, but I miss him so much more when I am having a good time, expecially if I know it is something he would love. And he certainly would have (much as he is probably muttering under his breath, yeah right, if he ever stops by to read this - if so, trust me, you would!). He may not have loved the dancing, although I'm sure he would have had a great time laughing at me jigging and twirling like a muppet, but he would have loved the music, lots of fiddle, mandolin and accordian playing, and the atmosphere of everybody just out to have a good time. Really great!! I did have a bit of a wobble half way through thinking of him but managed to keep it together.
Spent yesterday just chilling. Although that said, did have to do the usual tidying, washing, hoovering, cleaning malarkey!! But a nice peaceful day. CM did offer to come round last night, but to be honest I was absolutely knackered. I don't think I've been to bed before 2.30am since last Wednesday!!! I did say we could do something Friday though, so will wait and see.
So a good weekend for me, but a but boring reading for you.
Also started my new job today. Hurray! Spent most of the day moving offices and generally settling myself in, as well as trying to reorganise the computer system! (Ooops, think I deleted a file actually!)
Oh, and I have my beautiful car back. Hurray, hurray, hurray!!!!!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Joie's birthday tag!
Happy birthday to Joie, a completed quiz just for you...
1. What time did you get up this morning? 8.10am (was late for work after late night with CM!).
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, unless of course it's a pearl necklace ;-)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I particularly liked the part with the shark :-)
4. What is your favourite TV show(s)? Charmed rocks of course, I'm too much of a blog addict now, don't have time for any other tv!
5. What did you have for breakfast? I didn't.
6.What is your middle name? Commonplace.
7. What is your favourite cuisine? Chinese.
8. What foods do you dislike? Macaroni cheese, anything that looks like a slug!
9. Your favourite Potato chip (that would be crisps where I come from!)? Walkers Ready Salted.
10. What is your favourite CD at the moment? I'm loving a bit of Rod Stewart's Best of.
11. Favourite sandwich? Chicken, bacon and mayonnaise.
12. What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, stupidity, narrow mindedness.
13. Favourite item of clothing? I bought a fantastic linen skirt in the sale, it just goes with everything. Also some very cool new jeans, loving them.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? San Francisco to see my one true love.
15. What color is your bathroom? Pale lemon and deep sea green.
16. Favourite brand of clothing? Not a great brand lover, I just buy what I like!
17. Where would you want to retire to? The sea.
18. Favourite time of day? After 8.30pm when my babies are in bed and the house is quiet.
19. Where were you born? England.
20. Favourite sport to watch? Watersports??!! ;-)
21. Who do you least expect to send this back? God knows. I'm not sending it, just putting it out there for the world to do with as it wishes.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? Anybody will do!
23. What laundry detergent do you use? Whatever I fancy when I go shopping. I have no brand loyalty at all!
24. Coke or Pepsi? It has to be coke. How can anybody drink pepsi??
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? A night owl through and through.
26. What size shoe do you wear? 4 (sometimes a 5) UK.
27. Do you have pets? A white and ginger cat called Charlie, who doesn't have a tail! X says he's a rabbit cat.
28. Any news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm sharing my life for God's sake!! What more do you want from me?
29. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress/poet/author.
30. Favourite candy (that would be sweets!)? Haribo. Yum yum
31. What is your best childhood memory? To be honest I don't really have any. I have a short memory span!
32. What are the different jobs you've had? Now that would be telling...
33. Nicknames: OG to you.
34. Piercing? Ears. Two holes in each but only wear one pair of earring. Nose but hardly ever wear anything in it.
35. Eye color? Bluey grey with hints of green.
36. Ever been to Africa ? Nope.
37. Ever been toilet papering? What the fuck is toilet papering??? And why would I want to??
38. Love someone so much it made you cry? Still do.
39. Been in a car accident? Yes, a couple but nothing major.
40. Favorite restaurant? If it's serving food then I'm happy!
41. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla.
42. Favorite flower? Lilies.
43. Disney or Warner Brothers? I have kids. I don't have the luxury of only one!
44. Favorite fast food restaurant? See 40.
46. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Some work email I expect.
47. Which store would you choose to max out your credit cards? I'd like to be able to have much more than just one store for this little job!
48. What do you do most often when you are bored? Get in my car, put on the music, and drive drive drive.
49. Bedtime? Rarely before 1-2am these days.
50. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Curiosity killed the cat don't you know!
51. Last person you went to dinner with? CM, last night.
52. What are you listening to right now? Nothing but the buzz of the computer.
53. What is your favorite color? Blue. Though I rarely wear it.
54. Lake, Ocean or River? Most definitely the sea. Something miraculous about that much water.
56. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? As long they're both cumming, who's keeping score!
57. How many people are you sending this Email to? However many people do me the courtesy of dropping in.
58. Who sent this to you and what is something you didn't know about him/her? Joie. I guess I don't know anything about her! Except she sounds as loopy as me :-)
59. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish to make? A house! Most definitely. A brand new house.
60. Time you finished this? 1.20am. Insomnia kicks in again!
1. What time did you get up this morning? 8.10am (was late for work after late night with CM!).
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, unless of course it's a pearl necklace ;-)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I particularly liked the part with the shark :-)
4. What is your favourite TV show(s)? Charmed rocks of course, I'm too much of a blog addict now, don't have time for any other tv!
5. What did you have for breakfast? I didn't.
6.What is your middle name? Commonplace.
7. What is your favourite cuisine? Chinese.
8. What foods do you dislike? Macaroni cheese, anything that looks like a slug!
9. Your favourite Potato chip (that would be crisps where I come from!)? Walkers Ready Salted.
10. What is your favourite CD at the moment? I'm loving a bit of Rod Stewart's Best of.
11. Favourite sandwich? Chicken, bacon and mayonnaise.
12. What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, stupidity, narrow mindedness.
13. Favourite item of clothing? I bought a fantastic linen skirt in the sale, it just goes with everything. Also some very cool new jeans, loving them.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? San Francisco to see my one true love.
15. What color is your bathroom? Pale lemon and deep sea green.
16. Favourite brand of clothing? Not a great brand lover, I just buy what I like!
17. Where would you want to retire to? The sea.
18. Favourite time of day? After 8.30pm when my babies are in bed and the house is quiet.
19. Where were you born? England.
20. Favourite sport to watch? Watersports??!! ;-)
21. Who do you least expect to send this back? God knows. I'm not sending it, just putting it out there for the world to do with as it wishes.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? Anybody will do!
23. What laundry detergent do you use? Whatever I fancy when I go shopping. I have no brand loyalty at all!
24. Coke or Pepsi? It has to be coke. How can anybody drink pepsi??
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? A night owl through and through.
26. What size shoe do you wear? 4 (sometimes a 5) UK.
27. Do you have pets? A white and ginger cat called Charlie, who doesn't have a tail! X says he's a rabbit cat.
28. Any news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm sharing my life for God's sake!! What more do you want from me?
29. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress/poet/author.
30. Favourite candy (that would be sweets!)? Haribo. Yum yum
31. What is your best childhood memory? To be honest I don't really have any. I have a short memory span!
32. What are the different jobs you've had? Now that would be telling...
33. Nicknames: OG to you.
34. Piercing? Ears. Two holes in each but only wear one pair of earring. Nose but hardly ever wear anything in it.
35. Eye color? Bluey grey with hints of green.
36. Ever been to Africa ? Nope.
37. Ever been toilet papering? What the fuck is toilet papering??? And why would I want to??
38. Love someone so much it made you cry? Still do.
39. Been in a car accident? Yes, a couple but nothing major.
40. Favorite restaurant? If it's serving food then I'm happy!
41. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla.
42. Favorite flower? Lilies.
43. Disney or Warner Brothers? I have kids. I don't have the luxury of only one!
44. Favorite fast food restaurant? See 40.
46. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Some work email I expect.
47. Which store would you choose to max out your credit cards? I'd like to be able to have much more than just one store for this little job!
48. What do you do most often when you are bored? Get in my car, put on the music, and drive drive drive.
49. Bedtime? Rarely before 1-2am these days.
50. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Curiosity killed the cat don't you know!
51. Last person you went to dinner with? CM, last night.
52. What are you listening to right now? Nothing but the buzz of the computer.
53. What is your favorite color? Blue. Though I rarely wear it.
54. Lake, Ocean or River? Most definitely the sea. Something miraculous about that much water.
56. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? As long they're both cumming, who's keeping score!
57. How many people are you sending this Email to? However many people do me the courtesy of dropping in.
58. Who sent this to you and what is something you didn't know about him/her? Joie. I guess I don't know anything about her! Except she sounds as loopy as me :-)
59. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish to make? A house! Most definitely. A brand new house.
60. Time you finished this? 1.20am. Insomnia kicks in again!
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