"It is amazing what you can find on the internet these days. The information seems endless. I am interested to see that your website is managed by Good Karma productions, and wonder if you have any thoughts on how not seeing or contacting your only daughter for 30 years is likely to go down with good old Karma.
You have failed me, and I hope, though doubt, that you give thought to that, and often. There really is no excuse, and coming across your website I realise I am angry. Very much so. I deserved better than you gave me.
Interestingly, my daughter, X, who is 10 now - just in case you are vaguely interested - wants to be a shopkeeper and artist. She wants to sell her art in her own shop. I guess there is something about genes that will out."
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Happy Fathers Day
I just emailed the father I haven't seen or heard from in 30 years. I don't know why. I don't know if I should.
I just realised it's Fathers Day.
I just realised it's Fathers Day.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Best Laid Plans
Well, the date didn't happen. I have to say, I'd predicted a bail, and sure enough early Saturday morning pre-bail appeared in the form of a text to say that he had man flu and things didnt look good for later. The bail was confirmed by a similar text at lunchtime to say he was worse. My immediate reaction was "bullshit" and the only thing that prevented me from texting to say that actually I didn't believe him, and was subsequently pretty disappointed in him was the fact that the mother of his son had posted a comment on ye good olde facebook yesterday to say that she hoped we both had a good night. Something she would only have known from him telling her, which would imply an intention to go.
However, even assuming the best case scenario, and that he fully intended to go but was actually really ill, I'm pretty much finished with it. That was my plan, and I have no more. I won't be inviting him to any other events and I'm pretty sure that given some encouragement he might have tipped over the edge, but I'm also very sure that he won't go out of his way to push the issue himself. So, thats it. Whats done is done.
However, even assuming the best case scenario, and that he fully intended to go but was actually really ill, I'm pretty much finished with it. That was my plan, and I have no more. I won't be inviting him to any other events and I'm pretty sure that given some encouragement he might have tipped over the edge, but I'm also very sure that he won't go out of his way to push the issue himself. So, thats it. Whats done is done.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Woohoo
My mortgage has just transferred from fixed rate to variable - resulting in a saving of £262 per month! For at least the next 3 months, and hopefully longer. Hurrah!!
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Double figures
My baby - my cute little baby girl, is 10 today. 10!!! I have no idea how that happened!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
PS 1
I don't believe I will ever be married, but I love to watch real life wedding tv. I always wonder how they do it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
What it is to be me
My ability to over analyse and the depth to which my emotions are attached to this over analysis sometimes astounds even myself! Let’s take the last week or so as a case in point:
Monday – I send JB a thought out and non-threatening quick text to let him know I have collected theatre tickets (which I actually collected 4 days before) and so we are “good to go on Saturday”. He replied, we had a brief text chat, including him saying he was looking forward to it.
Result – one happy and confident OG.
Tues, Wed, Thurs day – Some constant rumbling through my brain of whether I want this, whether I’ll get this, whether I am too completely incompetent in relationships, whether he views this as friendship, yadeyadeyada.
Result – pootling along in the day to day.
Thurs 8pm – a text from him saying hi and asking how I was and hoping all is good.
Result – initially happy and smiley OG again, later mingled with the beginnings of doubt that this is what I want, that I am only interested in the chase and not the relationship, some mild anxiety that this may work and some that it won’t.
Thurs 11pm – text him back after getting in from work.
Result – feeling very grown up and in control at having waited to text him and thereby demonstrating that I am not some sad psycho stalker.
Thurs 11.15pm – log on to Facebook, to read comment from himself on his page earlier in the day, saying he’s had a great day including a “kiss from a princess”.
Result – immediate and horrible anxiety that he has met somebody and that I am clearly in friend category, followed by anxiety that if this is the case I now have to go to the theatre with him and pretend happy and nice, followed by annoyance at him and myself for thinking otherwise, mixed in with some sensible reasoning that he is probably talking about a friend’s daughter or some other such completely irrelevant happening.
Thurs 11.20pm – read comments on his page from a close male friend of his, referring to another OG named commenter, and saying “is that the OG you said about?” followed by JB’s response of “no mate, different OG”.
Result – am muchly happy that he has obviously been talking about me to his close male friend, which is just fabulous because that means I am important, and smile, smile, smile. before contented and settled sleep.
Friday 8am – woke to a text on my phone that he has updated his Facebook status.
Result – beginning onset of anxiety that he has not replied to my text sent last night.
Friday 8.30am – still no text response from last night.
Result – beginning to think that perhaps he is talking to his friend about me in a bad way. Anxiety that he has expressed concern about how I have been with him, that he has asked how he can extract himself from situation, that somebody else has been advising him about me, in a bad way.
Friday 9.30am – comment casually on his Facebook status, he replies equally casually and saying nothing of any significance good or bad.
Result – getting myself increasingly worked up about what to read and what to disregard, a recap and continual repeating cycle of all of the previously mentioned feelings from last night and this morning, including a frustration with myself for the constant over analysis and the inability to switch of my brain, a complete inability to focus on anything at work, combined with the need to constantly check phones and Facebook, as well as to spill this into Blogland.
The benefits of which, I guess, are a vaguely interesting, if slightly embarrassing post!
Monday – I send JB a thought out and non-threatening quick text to let him know I have collected theatre tickets (which I actually collected 4 days before) and so we are “good to go on Saturday”. He replied, we had a brief text chat, including him saying he was looking forward to it.
Result – one happy and confident OG.
Tues, Wed, Thurs day – Some constant rumbling through my brain of whether I want this, whether I’ll get this, whether I am too completely incompetent in relationships, whether he views this as friendship, yadeyadeyada.
Result – pootling along in the day to day.
Thurs 8pm – a text from him saying hi and asking how I was and hoping all is good.
Result – initially happy and smiley OG again, later mingled with the beginnings of doubt that this is what I want, that I am only interested in the chase and not the relationship, some mild anxiety that this may work and some that it won’t.
Thurs 11pm – text him back after getting in from work.
Result – feeling very grown up and in control at having waited to text him and thereby demonstrating that I am not some sad psycho stalker.
Thurs 11.15pm – log on to Facebook, to read comment from himself on his page earlier in the day, saying he’s had a great day including a “kiss from a princess”.
Result – immediate and horrible anxiety that he has met somebody and that I am clearly in friend category, followed by anxiety that if this is the case I now have to go to the theatre with him and pretend happy and nice, followed by annoyance at him and myself for thinking otherwise, mixed in with some sensible reasoning that he is probably talking about a friend’s daughter or some other such completely irrelevant happening.
Thurs 11.20pm – read comments on his page from a close male friend of his, referring to another OG named commenter, and saying “is that the OG you said about?” followed by JB’s response of “no mate, different OG”.
Result – am muchly happy that he has obviously been talking about me to his close male friend, which is just fabulous because that means I am important, and smile, smile, smile. before contented and settled sleep.
Friday 8am – woke to a text on my phone that he has updated his Facebook status.
Result – beginning onset of anxiety that he has not replied to my text sent last night.
Friday 8.30am – still no text response from last night.
Result – beginning to think that perhaps he is talking to his friend about me in a bad way. Anxiety that he has expressed concern about how I have been with him, that he has asked how he can extract himself from situation, that somebody else has been advising him about me, in a bad way.
Friday 9.30am – comment casually on his Facebook status, he replies equally casually and saying nothing of any significance good or bad.
Result – getting myself increasingly worked up about what to read and what to disregard, a recap and continual repeating cycle of all of the previously mentioned feelings from last night and this morning, including a frustration with myself for the constant over analysis and the inability to switch of my brain, a complete inability to focus on anything at work, combined with the need to constantly check phones and Facebook, as well as to spill this into Blogland.
The benefits of which, I guess, are a vaguely interesting, if slightly embarrassing post!
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