Final thought 1

From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 21:01:01
To: DMmail


Okay, I said two things...

We've established the difference between what you say and what I hear, but something that resonated with me recently, in regard to you, is the 5 whys. (don't hold the psychobabble against me, nature of the job/you and me, and of course, you know me!). I won't go into the whole boring shebang, but the basic premise is that when asked a question (obviously not "what's the time?" or something like that, but a challenging question!), you will need to be asked why 5 times before you get to the genuine answer.

For example (of course, these are only random examples, nothing at all to do with our situation!!!)...

Q. Why do you text me?
A1 - Because I was thinking about you
Why?
A2 - Because I miss you
Why?
A3 - Because you are/were a special part of my life
Why?
A4 - Because I love you
Why?
A5 - Because you are my soulmate.

To demonstrate further...

Q. Why are we not together?
A1 - Because I live 6000 miles away
Why?
A2 - Because I work here?
Why?
A3 - Because thats the choice I made
Why?
A4 - Because it was important to me to try this country/life
Why?
A5 - Because it was more important to me than you are


So, you get the picture?!

So lets look at us... you always answer (me, at least) at A1. After much probing and challenging, and usually a significant time lapse, I might get to A2 or A3. When we are/were together, eventually (and much more easily) it would be A4, or even A5.

Me? Well as we know, I usually wade straight in at A3, sometimes A4, occasionally (recently at least), with A5. That is who I am, that is who you are. Together, I'd hold off some of the wading in, and you'd have the truth dragged out of you. I think we both miss that, I think it's part of what makes/made us special - and part of why you come back for more - even though its not always pleasant for you, it's part of what you need. I hope you find that elsewhere.

My point, after all this babble? I don't expect to ask you any questions, and I won't be there to poke and prod answers out of you. I dont want to/cant hear the answers once you're a married man, but hey, you can use the spirit of me when needed. It might be a good tool to have in times of existential crisis! It might allow you to be honest with yourself - even if more than occasionally is too much to hope for!

Anyway, it seems I have blathered on for far too long (no change there), and you are probably completely bored, or defensive, (at least as an immediate response!), but hey, leave it in your inbox and come back to it sometime - it may well twang some strings. If you won't trust me to love you, and you won't trust in us, then at least trust in me enough to know you well enough to know what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to patronise, far from it, I'm trying to love you the best way I know.

But anyway, I will save the final, final thought for some time soon. As always, nothing like delaying the inevitable!

Carpe diem cras! (May be the more honest version)

PS. I never credit you with more than you are worth! Far from it.

Texts out of the blue...

14 Feb 09

Happy Valentines Day, D xxx

With love, as always x

(much much later)

PS. Try not to think of me too much tonight when you’re getting your valentine’s shag!

1 Mar 09

Tell me what’s on your mind right now!

That you never cease to amaze me. That I spent all yesterday with you in my head and even switched my phone off because I was sick of waiting to hear from you and knowing I wouldn’t. That I need you to come home now.

Why were you waiting to hear from me? Why yesterday? What made you think of me?

I think of you most of the time so I suppose no different from normal. Why was yesterday worse than normal? I don’t know, do you?

I’ve been thinking a lot of you recently too, do you think that could be it? What number is DM related blogs up to?

And why have you? Why do you text me at all?

Two very interesting and very difficult questions. Questions I would love to know the answers to too! I don’t know, but I do and you do too…

Maybe because deep down you know as well as I do that you made a mistake and you’re in the wrong place with the wrong person. I just don’t know if that will ever be fixed.

(later)

I’m curious to know, when you say you’re thinking of me, what is it that you’re thinking?

7 Mar 09

What we done, what we were like together, How you made me talk, the sex we had. I’m having to make a lot of big decisions at the moment. Visa, green card, job..

I don’t know how to help you with that. I wish I could

Why don’t you come visit. Take a bit of time out. I’ll take week off and just chill

I wish I could but it’s not that easy. I’ll be back there for most May working at the UK office. I have to do another interview at the US embassy in London.

8 Mar 09

If you were describing me to somebody, what would you say?

You would be someone that I could connect to, both physically and mentally on a level that they simply couldn’t comprehend! And you of me?

That you are the strongest, funniest, stubbornest and most amazing man I ever met. And the only one I’d ever marry. My one true love!

OG, please? I’m sure I don’t deserve such strong words. Stubborn! Well yes but…..

Quit with the modesty. It is what it is. Besides, I’m never wrong so it must be true!

9 Mar 09

Why are you having to make job, visa etc decisions now anyway? Thought you were cleared to be there for another 2 years?

I am, We’re having lots of people laid off here I need to be ready should the worst happen. I could have my green card within a year and I need to think about staying here permanently. That and I’m getting married next month…..

Later added post script:
Well, I don't really need to express how I felt! Sick! And so, so angry. All this was followed later by a half hour phone conversation, instigated by me, through which I smoked so much that I had to put the phone down quick because I genuinely thought I was going to throw up. Most of the conversation revolved around him refusing to acknowledge anything other than being friendly, with me reading too much into it!! I hadn't replied to his last text in November, and he hadn't recieved my moment of weakness on New Years Eve, so he had thought his VD text would just disappear into the ether. Fine, I'm willing to acknowledge that - but at the point I replied, and how I replied, he knew! But, of course, still it continues. Fucking idiot I am!!

Betwixt

I am not the person I used to be, and cannot go back to that old me. I have tried.

I am not the person I became with him, and cannot be without him.

I don't have a new person to become yet.

I am betwixt the old and the new, with nothing fitting.

Realisation

A long time ago, almost a different lifetime, when we were together, he triggered something inside of me that made the world a brighter, better place, and me a better, braver person than I'd ever been before. Then he was gone, taking that piece of me with him and leaving behind a gaping hole that was filled with nothing but hurt and pain. And for such a long, long time that was how it was, just pain.

Now, the hurt has gone, but the space remains. Over time though, a glass wall has slowly built around that space, glass brick by glass brick, getting me through the pain and sadness, keeping me going day after day, and, now I realise, hiding the hole within me from all but those who look too closely. Those who knew me before.

There is a part of me that loves that wall, but I realised this weekend that it is the very thing that prevents anything from ever truly touching me, and that good or bad experiences alike, a part of me remains forever numb. The part of me that is lost from that space, that is always missing.

I don't blame him, he wasn't to know, and I don't say this in anyway self pitying, it just is what it is.

It is who, and how, I am. Now.

Message

So few words, but enough to send the little white cells into overdrive. I should be done with this by now.

Lacking

Despite a job that I (mostly) love, and a beautiful (if modest) house all of my own, and 2 fabulous (if testing) children, and the knowledge that I have a good life, that I am so much luckier than so many, despite all this, I still feel unfulfilled.

And I don't know what's missing.

Creation

I think I need to reinvent myself in a new, quiet space.