Final thought 1

From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 21:01:01
To: DMmail


Okay, I said two things...

We've established the difference between what you say and what I hear, but something that resonated with me recently, in regard to you, is the 5 whys. (don't hold the psychobabble against me, nature of the job/you and me, and of course, you know me!). I won't go into the whole boring shebang, but the basic premise is that when asked a question (obviously not "what's the time?" or something like that, but a challenging question!), you will need to be asked why 5 times before you get to the genuine answer.

For example (of course, these are only random examples, nothing at all to do with our situation!!!)...

Q. Why do you text me?
A1 - Because I was thinking about you
Why?
A2 - Because I miss you
Why?
A3 - Because you are/were a special part of my life
Why?
A4 - Because I love you
Why?
A5 - Because you are my soulmate.

To demonstrate further...

Q. Why are we not together?
A1 - Because I live 6000 miles away
Why?
A2 - Because I work here?
Why?
A3 - Because thats the choice I made
Why?
A4 - Because it was important to me to try this country/life
Why?
A5 - Because it was more important to me than you are


So, you get the picture?!

So lets look at us... you always answer (me, at least) at A1. After much probing and challenging, and usually a significant time lapse, I might get to A2 or A3. When we are/were together, eventually (and much more easily) it would be A4, or even A5.

Me? Well as we know, I usually wade straight in at A3, sometimes A4, occasionally (recently at least), with A5. That is who I am, that is who you are. Together, I'd hold off some of the wading in, and you'd have the truth dragged out of you. I think we both miss that, I think it's part of what makes/made us special - and part of why you come back for more - even though its not always pleasant for you, it's part of what you need. I hope you find that elsewhere.

My point, after all this babble? I don't expect to ask you any questions, and I won't be there to poke and prod answers out of you. I dont want to/cant hear the answers once you're a married man, but hey, you can use the spirit of me when needed. It might be a good tool to have in times of existential crisis! It might allow you to be honest with yourself - even if more than occasionally is too much to hope for!

Anyway, it seems I have blathered on for far too long (no change there), and you are probably completely bored, or defensive, (at least as an immediate response!), but hey, leave it in your inbox and come back to it sometime - it may well twang some strings. If you won't trust me to love you, and you won't trust in us, then at least trust in me enough to know you well enough to know what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to patronise, far from it, I'm trying to love you the best way I know.

But anyway, I will save the final, final thought for some time soon. As always, nothing like delaying the inevitable!

Carpe diem cras! (May be the more honest version)

PS. I never credit you with more than you are worth! Far from it.