Jesus, my blog has been depressing lately!! Time for a change of mood methinks! The worst is behind me now and actually I feel pretty good. I'm surprised at myself. I think it's because I've done so much grieving and wondering over the last ten months that there is nothing left now it's finally over.
Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.
Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...
Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!
So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.
Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?
PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
The aftermath...
How do I feel now? I'm glad I have it all down. I'm glad I have it to remember when it gets hard. I know it will be. I know this is just the start of the journey back. I know he won't be magically erased from my head and I know there are lessons that I need to learn and changes I need to adapt to. But the person that he was is gone forever, it's just an image I have to rid myself of now. Difficult? Yes. Painful? Oh fucking yes! Impossible? No.
There are a couple of other things I wish I'd said... That if he hadn't wanted that, hadn't been sure, then he shouldn't have jumped straight in. He shouldn't have led me to believe he felt one way when he didn't. Shouldn't have told me he'd spent ages searching for me and wasn't going to be letting me go. Shouldn't have let me believe we had a future. And he should have said all this a long time ago, instead of coming back into my life, and back into my bed and giving me hope. He might not accept it but he knows deep down that is what he's done. He's a grown intelligent man. He misled me, I don't think maliciously, I don't think deliberately, but carelessly. He should have known better! Even his final answers contain some ambiguity. He won't/can't just say, yes I'm happy, no I don't miss you. It's all implied. And he asks 'does it get better?', actually yes, because he could have had all that but with me and a family too!!
I have lessons learnt now, and that helps. It gives this whole episode some meaning I suppose. It means I can gain and grow eventually. I hope he learns too. He probably won't, it's easier to blame other things than to be really really honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. All I know is that I won't be a martyr to my past.
Right now, I'm sad, so very sad, but I'm fine. I have good friends, I have good kids. And I'm glad I met CM. Not because I want to ship one out and another one in, not at all. I can't replace what I've lost and I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but mostly not on him, he's a good man and he deserves more than that. But I like him, and I think I need him right now. Whether that lasts I don't know and that's not important at the moment, I'm not making any promises I can't keep, but I need some reality again. I need to be able to trust in real life again. I need to forget and also to remember. I'm beginning to appreciate what I want and what I don't, and I guess I need to get out there and see if I can find it...
There are a couple of other things I wish I'd said... That if he hadn't wanted that, hadn't been sure, then he shouldn't have jumped straight in. He shouldn't have led me to believe he felt one way when he didn't. Shouldn't have told me he'd spent ages searching for me and wasn't going to be letting me go. Shouldn't have let me believe we had a future. And he should have said all this a long time ago, instead of coming back into my life, and back into my bed and giving me hope. He might not accept it but he knows deep down that is what he's done. He's a grown intelligent man. He misled me, I don't think maliciously, I don't think deliberately, but carelessly. He should have known better! Even his final answers contain some ambiguity. He won't/can't just say, yes I'm happy, no I don't miss you. It's all implied. And he asks 'does it get better?', actually yes, because he could have had all that but with me and a family too!!
I have lessons learnt now, and that helps. It gives this whole episode some meaning I suppose. It means I can gain and grow eventually. I hope he learns too. He probably won't, it's easier to blame other things than to be really really honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. All I know is that I won't be a martyr to my past.
Right now, I'm sad, so very sad, but I'm fine. I have good friends, I have good kids. And I'm glad I met CM. Not because I want to ship one out and another one in, not at all. I can't replace what I've lost and I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but mostly not on him, he's a good man and he deserves more than that. But I like him, and I think I need him right now. Whether that lasts I don't know and that's not important at the moment, I'm not making any promises I can't keep, but I need some reality again. I need to be able to trust in real life again. I need to forget and also to remember. I'm beginning to appreciate what I want and what I don't, and I guess I need to get out there and see if I can find it...
Cutting the cord
So, I finally have it. Closure! And to be honest none of his answers surprise me now. I just needed to hear them, and to hear them from him. I've been waiting a long long time to hear them.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
My answers...!
Hi ya,
I thought I would e-mail rather than comment on your site, that way you can edit and elaborate as much as you like. Are you sure you want the answers to these questions?? To be quite honest, you know most of the answers already, just put your self in my position and read your blog from there. In fact, I find it hard to believe you’re asking them after what you have written. Is it any surprise that I left? But, since you did ask……!
1, Am I Happy? I live in California, I do my clothes shopping on the Castro, SF, I go out in Palo Alto and San Mateo, I’m an engineer working in Silicone Valley. I get to travel all over the world, if I want to, and not, if I don’t. I get to own one of the best sports bikes you can buy and be riding it in the San Carlos mountains within 30 minutes of leaving my house. I have a partner who I can trust without question. Does it get much better than that?? Maybe. I’ll let you know.
2. Does she make me happy? She doesn’t make me un-happy, it could always be better but that’s the same for every one. Just because she is so different from you and yes maybe a bit boring, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be un-happy. It depends on what you look for and need in a relationship. So, my relationship isn’t as much of a laugh as it used to be but it is safe, that’s something I never had with you. Even despite you telling me otherwise, I never believed you. Quite rightly after reading what you have written here. You know very well that I have been through utter devastation twice before, devastation that hurts so badly, even now, I’m not going to put myself in that position again.
3. Do I miss you? I miss all the people that were close to me back home, I miss a lot of things. I’m not going to stop what I’m doing here for them though. I’ll have plenty of time later on to be with them. Right now this is for me, something I need to do.
4. Do I want you?? What kind of question is that!?! It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s a matter of what I’m comfortable with. It’s not impossible to give up what I’m doing here, but I don’t give it up for a reason. If you want to know what it is I really want, it’s my wife! My, now, ex-wife to be accurate. But I can’t have her. So, I have to live with that. There, you got me to say it!! And I want those two beautiful, intelligent daughters that I’ve always dreamt of, but I’m never going to get those either. Never, do you know how much that hurts…………No. I don’t think you do. You have no idea!
5, Were you wrong about us? No, I don’t think so. We could have made it under ideal circumstances. But they weren’t. Not for me at least. Not then, not now…..!
6, Am I ever coming back? Maybe, who knows what’s going to happen. I still have plans for Asia and Australia. My visas’ will run out eventually. Right now I have a visa for the next three years in the US, I have no plans to go anywhere in the next six months.
7, How do you move on from this? The same way I have to, it’s hard, fucking hard!! We all deal with these things in different ways. I guess I moved to another country. Try that, but not this one!
8, Why did I leave you?? You know, I didn’t know before! It was more gut feeling than an actual thought process. But, like I said before, read your blog from my point of view. Would you get into a serious relationship, after having the two most important things in your life taken from you, with someone who lives their life like you do? Again, like I said, I’m not going to put myself in that position again, not without being absolutely sure. And I wasn’t!!
Darren
I thought I would e-mail rather than comment on your site, that way you can edit and elaborate as much as you like. Are you sure you want the answers to these questions?? To be quite honest, you know most of the answers already, just put your self in my position and read your blog from there. In fact, I find it hard to believe you’re asking them after what you have written. Is it any surprise that I left? But, since you did ask……!
1, Am I Happy? I live in California, I do my clothes shopping on the Castro, SF, I go out in Palo Alto and San Mateo, I’m an engineer working in Silicone Valley. I get to travel all over the world, if I want to, and not, if I don’t. I get to own one of the best sports bikes you can buy and be riding it in the San Carlos mountains within 30 minutes of leaving my house. I have a partner who I can trust without question. Does it get much better than that?? Maybe. I’ll let you know.
2. Does she make me happy? She doesn’t make me un-happy, it could always be better but that’s the same for every one. Just because she is so different from you and yes maybe a bit boring, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be un-happy. It depends on what you look for and need in a relationship. So, my relationship isn’t as much of a laugh as it used to be but it is safe, that’s something I never had with you. Even despite you telling me otherwise, I never believed you. Quite rightly after reading what you have written here. You know very well that I have been through utter devastation twice before, devastation that hurts so badly, even now, I’m not going to put myself in that position again.
3. Do I miss you? I miss all the people that were close to me back home, I miss a lot of things. I’m not going to stop what I’m doing here for them though. I’ll have plenty of time later on to be with them. Right now this is for me, something I need to do.
4. Do I want you?? What kind of question is that!?! It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s a matter of what I’m comfortable with. It’s not impossible to give up what I’m doing here, but I don’t give it up for a reason. If you want to know what it is I really want, it’s my wife! My, now, ex-wife to be accurate. But I can’t have her. So, I have to live with that. There, you got me to say it!! And I want those two beautiful, intelligent daughters that I’ve always dreamt of, but I’m never going to get those either. Never, do you know how much that hurts…………No. I don’t think you do. You have no idea!
5, Were you wrong about us? No, I don’t think so. We could have made it under ideal circumstances. But they weren’t. Not for me at least. Not then, not now…..!
6, Am I ever coming back? Maybe, who knows what’s going to happen. I still have plans for Asia and Australia. My visas’ will run out eventually. Right now I have a visa for the next three years in the US, I have no plans to go anywhere in the next six months.
7, How do you move on from this? The same way I have to, it’s hard, fucking hard!! We all deal with these things in different ways. I guess I moved to another country. Try that, but not this one!
8, Why did I leave you?? You know, I didn’t know before! It was more gut feeling than an actual thought process. But, like I said before, read your blog from my point of view. Would you get into a serious relationship, after having the two most important things in your life taken from you, with someone who lives their life like you do? Again, like I said, I’m not going to put myself in that position again, not without being absolutely sure. And I wasn’t!!
Darren
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Frustration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a very late night! Partly due to a few hours of snogging, groping and generally lusting, followed by an hour of blogging, followed by another hour of aimlessly watching tv while my brain ran it's course at warp speed, I finally got to bed about 5.30am. Consequently I woke late and feeling like shit, with X having missed ballet and me feeling like a terribly bad mother!!
Now if that's not a rubbish start to the day/weekend, I am also horny!!! Ridiculously so!! I have more images running through my head than I want to think about, and they're pretty indiscriminate in their content and their appearance!! The overiding theme is how hot hard cocks are when encased in jeans and I guess there is something about the knowledge of that big, hard, throbbing presence(sorry! getting carried away there!!!) but yet it's unavailability? I'm sure it's the same reason a lot of men like women in underwear rather than naked. The tease!!
"So...", I hear you ask "what's the problem with waking late and horny on a fine Saturday morning?" (and it is actually a beautiful beautiful autumn day today). Well the problem is.... I can't fucking wank properly!!!! Or rather I can, and have had two (rather unsatisfactory) bully wank orgasms this morning, but it's just not cutting it. I need the real deal! I officially need to be sliding myself onto a firm, hard, warm, eager cock.
Now if that's not a rubbish start to the day/weekend, I am also horny!!! Ridiculously so!! I have more images running through my head than I want to think about, and they're pretty indiscriminate in their content and their appearance!! The overiding theme is how hot hard cocks are when encased in jeans and I guess there is something about the knowledge of that big, hard, throbbing presence(sorry! getting carried away there!!!) but yet it's unavailability? I'm sure it's the same reason a lot of men like women in underwear rather than naked. The tease!!
"So...", I hear you ask "what's the problem with waking late and horny on a fine Saturday morning?" (and it is actually a beautiful beautiful autumn day today). Well the problem is.... I can't fucking wank properly!!!! Or rather I can, and have had two (rather unsatisfactory) bully wank orgasms this morning, but it's just not cutting it. I need the real deal! I officially need to be sliding myself onto a firm, hard, warm, eager cock.
Trust in love (revised)
It was one of my mantra's in the earlier days of our break up. Well, after the break up and the reestablishing of contact anyway. It's how I feel again now.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
To blog or not to blog...?
Well today has been a weird old day folks! Actually, the past couple have been weird. DM has resurfaced, as I knew he would one day. I have to say perhaps quicker than I would have expected! And strangely what it has brought me more than anything else is a sense of calm. He always did have that effect on me! The peace to my storm if you want to get flowery and metaphorical about it!!!
I know he's there now. I know that however far geographically he is away from me he's still with me. And I've trusted in that, despite all logic, for a long long time now. And there have been times when I've had to doubt that. Had to doubt how he feels, what I thought we had, how I thought I felt even, just because it's been such a long time with so little. But now I know. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I know what I want and what I believe but I accept there are no guarantees that will happen. The only thing I do know now with absolute certainty is that we are not done yet! This is not yet over. I know things can never just go back to how they were, and that in many ways we are both changed people, however, the bare bones are that I still believe we love each other and that we can move forward from this together, if differently, and I'm going to keep believing that until he can honestly tell me I'm wrong. And that thought makes me glad! And calm.
Of course, in terms of this blog it puts a new perspective on things. After sending him the link a few weeks ago I was 95% sure he would be checking in at some point, ranging from maybe once or twice to maybe every day, but now I know he definitely has been, and I suspect more often than not. So, can I continue to write this blog the same way?? Can I continue to talk about things in my life that may have an impact on him? Can I continue to be open and honest with myself and you without writing with a bias?
When I started writing this it was to try and offload, to try yet another way to lock DM away in a place in my heart and my head and to throw away the key. There's only so long you can keep believing and trusting and hoping before you need to let go. And I haven't wanted to let go. I haven't believed it was over and I wasn't ready for it to be over. But I've recognised that I need to move from the place that I'm in, even whilst knowing I don't want to move away from it. So, tentatively I wanted to write it all down and let it go.
I also started writing this blog because I wanted to record things. To have a definite record of things that had happened, things I feel and have felt, both the good and the bad side of life, both the DM and non-DM side of life. So can I continue to do those two things? Yes, I can!!
This blog is about me and my life. You are all welcome to share in the very ordinary (and equally messed up) life that I lead, in fact I am grateful you do, but it remains mine and mine alone. DM can take me as he finds me, can like what I write or not like what I write, but needs to accept that this is me and to understand that this is me. I know he will do that. I trust that he now knows me well enough to do that. If not, well, if it's that easily broken then I really have been wrong all along!
So, to update on my current life, the one I manage to live because I have to, and because actually I want to live it again, even if I do so with a piece of me missing...
As you know I saw CM last week - http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/cm-and-puppies.html
and have been a little indecisive since then. I had arranged to see him tonight but all week I've not really been at all bothered, and actually felt pretty much like there was no point. But towards the end of this week I started to think "why not?". I need to rid myself of this stupid psychological and egotistical hang up and stop worrying about hurting him and planning that far ahead, and instead just take it for what it is and see how it goes. With the DM thing as it is I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I think it might be a good thing for me, and for CM actually, whether it's long term or not.
So, he came round tonight, and we just stayed in and watched TV and chatted and chatted and chatted!! And then we watched 'Road Trip', which I'd forgotten just how much I loved! (In fact I love any of that type of film!!), and we laughed a lot at the same things and I actually had a really great night. The whole evening was just friendly really, no sexual contact at all, but just comfortable touching I guess, and I found just a little part of me wanting more than that but equally not being sure I did.
He finally got up to leave about 1am I guess, and then he kissed me, and we snogged (for Tobi, hehehe) for a while, and it was all very nice but I wasn't massively feeling it. And I was quite happy with that, (I got my period today too so didn't exactly want to take things further!!), but then actually I felt myself beginning to respond to him more. And although we didn't do anything more than kissing, (and maybe a little over underwear/clothes touching...!), I wanted to take it further. I really wanted to take things further!! So, I'm pleased about that. Pleased that I think we can probably have fun enjoying each other's company on both a social and physical level, even if it is just a temporary thing. I'm good at making people feel good about themselves, and I like that, it makes me feel good about myself. I like setting people back on the road to recovery, and CM sure does need that.
Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe DM is coming back?? Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe I will get resolution and be able to stop believing DM is coming back?? I don't know. But at the moment, for tonight at least, I am calm and content and happy, and that is what is important I guess...!
I know he's there now. I know that however far geographically he is away from me he's still with me. And I've trusted in that, despite all logic, for a long long time now. And there have been times when I've had to doubt that. Had to doubt how he feels, what I thought we had, how I thought I felt even, just because it's been such a long time with so little. But now I know. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I know what I want and what I believe but I accept there are no guarantees that will happen. The only thing I do know now with absolute certainty is that we are not done yet! This is not yet over. I know things can never just go back to how they were, and that in many ways we are both changed people, however, the bare bones are that I still believe we love each other and that we can move forward from this together, if differently, and I'm going to keep believing that until he can honestly tell me I'm wrong. And that thought makes me glad! And calm.
Of course, in terms of this blog it puts a new perspective on things. After sending him the link a few weeks ago I was 95% sure he would be checking in at some point, ranging from maybe once or twice to maybe every day, but now I know he definitely has been, and I suspect more often than not. So, can I continue to write this blog the same way?? Can I continue to talk about things in my life that may have an impact on him? Can I continue to be open and honest with myself and you without writing with a bias?
When I started writing this it was to try and offload, to try yet another way to lock DM away in a place in my heart and my head and to throw away the key. There's only so long you can keep believing and trusting and hoping before you need to let go. And I haven't wanted to let go. I haven't believed it was over and I wasn't ready for it to be over. But I've recognised that I need to move from the place that I'm in, even whilst knowing I don't want to move away from it. So, tentatively I wanted to write it all down and let it go.
I also started writing this blog because I wanted to record things. To have a definite record of things that had happened, things I feel and have felt, both the good and the bad side of life, both the DM and non-DM side of life. So can I continue to do those two things? Yes, I can!!
This blog is about me and my life. You are all welcome to share in the very ordinary (and equally messed up) life that I lead, in fact I am grateful you do, but it remains mine and mine alone. DM can take me as he finds me, can like what I write or not like what I write, but needs to accept that this is me and to understand that this is me. I know he will do that. I trust that he now knows me well enough to do that. If not, well, if it's that easily broken then I really have been wrong all along!
So, to update on my current life, the one I manage to live because I have to, and because actually I want to live it again, even if I do so with a piece of me missing...
As you know I saw CM last week - http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/cm-and-puppies.html
and have been a little indecisive since then. I had arranged to see him tonight but all week I've not really been at all bothered, and actually felt pretty much like there was no point. But towards the end of this week I started to think "why not?". I need to rid myself of this stupid psychological and egotistical hang up and stop worrying about hurting him and planning that far ahead, and instead just take it for what it is and see how it goes. With the DM thing as it is I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I think it might be a good thing for me, and for CM actually, whether it's long term or not.
So, he came round tonight, and we just stayed in and watched TV and chatted and chatted and chatted!! And then we watched 'Road Trip', which I'd forgotten just how much I loved! (In fact I love any of that type of film!!), and we laughed a lot at the same things and I actually had a really great night. The whole evening was just friendly really, no sexual contact at all, but just comfortable touching I guess, and I found just a little part of me wanting more than that but equally not being sure I did.
He finally got up to leave about 1am I guess, and then he kissed me, and we snogged (for Tobi, hehehe) for a while, and it was all very nice but I wasn't massively feeling it. And I was quite happy with that, (I got my period today too so didn't exactly want to take things further!!), but then actually I felt myself beginning to respond to him more. And although we didn't do anything more than kissing, (and maybe a little over underwear/clothes touching...!), I wanted to take it further. I really wanted to take things further!! So, I'm pleased about that. Pleased that I think we can probably have fun enjoying each other's company on both a social and physical level, even if it is just a temporary thing. I'm good at making people feel good about themselves, and I like that, it makes me feel good about myself. I like setting people back on the road to recovery, and CM sure does need that.
Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe DM is coming back?? Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe I will get resolution and be able to stop believing DM is coming back?? I don't know. But at the moment, for tonight at least, I am calm and content and happy, and that is what is important I guess...!
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