Tonight, for the first time since I started this blog I think, I am spending New Years Eve at home, alone. Now, whilst I'd much rather be spending it at home with a man I love, as there is no available man in the picture it will just be little old me. However, I am feeling absolutely fine about spending it at home, and have no great desire to go out and celebrate - new year always seems to be an anticlimactic event somehow, even the best new years eves I've had have never quite lived up to the high expectation that this particular day of the year brings. So, instead, I feel like switching off the phone, going to bed early, and letting the new year just creep up on me. I think I might just do that!
To all of you out there in the big wide world, I wish you a Happy New Year, and to my love, wherever you are; its been a long journey, but here at its final end, I genuinely wish you a happy new year, and may you always get what you desire.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Peace
Well after a hectic few days of family, feasting, drinking, presents and general Christmas enjoyment I now have my house to myself again (excluding X and Y), and am enjoying some peace and quiet.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wishing on a star
I just saw a shooting star! And I have to admit that I did take the time to wish upon it.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Blue
Don't know what's up with me today, but am just feeling really down. In fact, am having a little cry :-(
The day started well - got up to lots of lovely snow, one school open, one school closed. So off X toddled and Y came to work with me, as I had a strategic meeting that I chair that I couldn't really cancel. Took me an hour to drive the usual 20 minute journey to work, purely as a result of crap driving I'm sure, as there were no break downs or crashes on the 10 mile route! But I was still feeling pretty chipper, and me and Y were having a little chin wag and trying to overtake cars and so on.
So eventually get to work, and meeting starts at 10.30. I must just say that it is a meeting that I absolutely hate, bi monthly, completely pointless, consists of me talking and other people agreeing and then 2 hours later they leave and I do. But today, I was feeling positive, I had a new action agenda format - was clear what I wanted to discuss, was clear what outcomes I wanted, etc etc. And it just turned out to be same old same old - I get so disheartened by it. I just want to get on and do, and to get support from other professionals in a multi agency partnership! But no, same old same old. I nearly cried. Twice. In the meeting.
I think that, plus the combination of money stress, plus the fact my Masters assignment is late, plus the Christmas build up - and probably the time of the month, have resulted in sadness.
But, have jacked off the rest of the day, picked X up, done shopping, come home, sent X and Y out to play in the snow, and think my pyjamas, a long Lush bath, a glass of wine and a little cry is on my agenda for the next few hours. Would happily make it my agenda for the entire evening but my sister and brother in law are coming later and staying over for Christmas Bowling tomorrow morning so better get it out of the way first!
Tomorrow is another day! Good job really!!
The day started well - got up to lots of lovely snow, one school open, one school closed. So off X toddled and Y came to work with me, as I had a strategic meeting that I chair that I couldn't really cancel. Took me an hour to drive the usual 20 minute journey to work, purely as a result of crap driving I'm sure, as there were no break downs or crashes on the 10 mile route! But I was still feeling pretty chipper, and me and Y were having a little chin wag and trying to overtake cars and so on.
So eventually get to work, and meeting starts at 10.30. I must just say that it is a meeting that I absolutely hate, bi monthly, completely pointless, consists of me talking and other people agreeing and then 2 hours later they leave and I do. But today, I was feeling positive, I had a new action agenda format - was clear what I wanted to discuss, was clear what outcomes I wanted, etc etc. And it just turned out to be same old same old - I get so disheartened by it. I just want to get on and do, and to get support from other professionals in a multi agency partnership! But no, same old same old. I nearly cried. Twice. In the meeting.
I think that, plus the combination of money stress, plus the fact my Masters assignment is late, plus the Christmas build up - and probably the time of the month, have resulted in sadness.
But, have jacked off the rest of the day, picked X up, done shopping, come home, sent X and Y out to play in the snow, and think my pyjamas, a long Lush bath, a glass of wine and a little cry is on my agenda for the next few hours. Would happily make it my agenda for the entire evening but my sister and brother in law are coming later and staying over for Christmas Bowling tomorrow morning so better get it out of the way first!
Tomorrow is another day! Good job really!!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Bitter sweet
This evening, unprompted:
Y - "I might be getting my Christmas bonus soon"
Me - "What Christmas bonus"
Y - "For EMA"
Me - Oh right, didn't realise you got a Christmas bonus
Y - Yeah, £100 I think
Me - Oh, okay
Y - So if you're really strapped, then you can use that
I'm proud that he's such a good and thoughtful boy, but also guilty that at 16 he should even have to worry about whether I can make ends meet! My kids shouldn't have to be party to that.
Y - "I might be getting my Christmas bonus soon"
Me - "What Christmas bonus"
Y - "For EMA"
Me - Oh right, didn't realise you got a Christmas bonus
Y - Yeah, £100 I think
Me - Oh, okay
Y - So if you're really strapped, then you can use that
I'm proud that he's such a good and thoughtful boy, but also guilty that at 16 he should even have to worry about whether I can make ends meet! My kids shouldn't have to be party to that.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Message to the universe
Dear Universe,
I appreciate that I cannot be expected to understand the weird and wonderful cosmic cycle of yourself, and I'm willing to appreciate that 'all things happen for a reason', 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger', 'life is a lesson' and all the other sayings that imply there is a great and defined purpose within the daily goings on of everyday folk.
I'm also willing to acknowledge that as far as you are concerned there are probably far more pressing, and far more important things for you to ensure are in their rightful place for their rightful purpose.
However, I would like to put in a request that just this once my, admittedly minor and unimportant, desire to be given a break please be acknowledged and actioned.
I accept I may not have paid due deference to the greatness of oneself, and that I may have, on occasion, paid little heed to the emotions of other fellow human beings, however I would like to submit the proposal that my karmic relationship dues must surely have been paid in full by now. I cannot have my one true love, and I'm willing to reluctant accept this outcome must be part of some great plan of yours, however, I would respectfully submit that any learning intended from the last 4 years of emotional turmoil and angst is likely to have been taken on board by now, or if not, then never will be.
As such, I would be most appreciative if you could take a little time out of your schedule to just give me a fucking break, and let me have this one, tiny, tiny, fucking thing!
Yours sincerely,
Ordinary Girl
I appreciate that I cannot be expected to understand the weird and wonderful cosmic cycle of yourself, and I'm willing to appreciate that 'all things happen for a reason', 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger', 'life is a lesson' and all the other sayings that imply there is a great and defined purpose within the daily goings on of everyday folk.
I'm also willing to acknowledge that as far as you are concerned there are probably far more pressing, and far more important things for you to ensure are in their rightful place for their rightful purpose.
However, I would like to put in a request that just this once my, admittedly minor and unimportant, desire to be given a break please be acknowledged and actioned.
I accept I may not have paid due deference to the greatness of oneself, and that I may have, on occasion, paid little heed to the emotions of other fellow human beings, however I would like to submit the proposal that my karmic relationship dues must surely have been paid in full by now. I cannot have my one true love, and I'm willing to reluctant accept this outcome must be part of some great plan of yours, however, I would respectfully submit that any learning intended from the last 4 years of emotional turmoil and angst is likely to have been taken on board by now, or if not, then never will be.
As such, I would be most appreciative if you could take a little time out of your schedule to just give me a fucking break, and let me have this one, tiny, tiny, fucking thing!
Yours sincerely,
Ordinary Girl
Ghosts
Despite spending the entire day yesterday with thoughts of JB running wild through my head (to the extent of even prompting the typical girly behaviour of checking horoscope compatibilities!), it seems my subconcious has something different to say on the matter, as it was DM who crept unbidden and unexpected into my dreams last night, and I awoke this morning with the sense of him so vivid in my mind I almost believed I could roll over and touch him.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Mellow
The house is tidy, the kids are amusing themselves, the roast chicken and trimmings is cooking, the ipod is on, what more could a girl ask for?
Well, to stop thinking about fucking JB might be a bonus!
Well, to stop thinking about fucking JB might be a bonus!
Time for bed
Have just got in from a night out at Jamie's boyfriends house, in birthday celebration. Was a pretty good night, although there weren't that many people there, and I didn't even manage to get there until 10.30pm so the party was well underway. Was nice to catch up with a few folks, have a couple of drinks, enjoy some dancing and singing and talking - after all, what else are parties for?
What was interesting was that Jamie and Bea don't usually get on, despite the fact that they are the same star sign, both extremely delusional about how they see themselves, and actually incredibly similar! However, as Bea is an old friend of the new boyfriend (who she also had a little dalliance with earlier this year - though it never progressed to physical) they were both there last night, and seemed to have bonded fabulously. Which makes my job of trying to peace keep or organise events with the two of them there much easier!
What was interesting was that Jamie and Bea don't usually get on, despite the fact that they are the same star sign, both extremely delusional about how they see themselves, and actually incredibly similar! However, as Bea is an old friend of the new boyfriend (who she also had a little dalliance with earlier this year - though it never progressed to physical) they were both there last night, and seemed to have bonded fabulously. Which makes my job of trying to peace keep or organise events with the two of them there much easier!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Lady luck
If I ever needed to rely on Lady Luck, it's now. I soooo need to win the lottery tonight - even just a grand would see me right! I'm overdrawn (as in over my overdraft!) on 2 of my bank accounts - which gives them licence to screw me with bank charges, making the situation worse - my credit cards are at their limit, I'm just about to write a cheque for X and Y's bowling which I pray won't get cashed straight away, or will bounce or charge me again, and I have access to £10 in cash until Thursday - which I need to spend on ensuring the kids get fed this week!
I really, really need a windfall somehow.
I really, really need a windfall somehow.
Friday, December 11, 2009
It's Cold Outside
And now, to improve the evening even further, I'm a glass of dessert wine down and this little gem is playing on the music channel on TV, which I just adore! I don't care what anybody says - this summarises the British Christmas to me - and bring on the rain, the fog, the wind, the frost, the snow, because Christmas just isn't Christmas unless it's cold outside!!
Funny old day
Today has been one of the worst, and also one of the best days (well not quite one of the best, but you get the idea!)
I spent the morning sitting in on the Judge's summing up of a rape trial against one of our clients from work. A colleague has been sitting in, and supporting the client and her mum for the past two days, but couldn't attend today so myself and a different colleague went instead. It's been a difficult week really, not least to sit in the public gallery and learn that he his previous 3 accusations and trials of the exact same offence against 3 other women, which is information ruled to not be appropriate to share with the jury. The trial has been extremely difficult for her, as any rape trial is, and of course compounded by the fact she is a street sex worker especially trying. That said, for once, at least, it was investigated and prosecuted thoroughly and she didnt get too hard a time of it in the stand, presenting herself incredibly well and very clearly, with several witnesses, including police and ambulance immediately after the event supporting how distressed she was and that she had injuries. He, on the other hand, gave completing conflicting and implausible evidence. The defence was reasonably feeble, and in his summing up the Judge, in our opinion, seemed to definitely favour her testimony. So, after summing up we left the court and awaited the verdict.
Several hours later, whilst in a meeting, I get a text to say "Not guilty!!". I have to say, I was speechless, genuinely stunned to be honest, and also completely gutted - as we all are. God only knows how she and her mum will be feeling!! It has been a completely, completely disheartening experience. We spend so much time trying to encourage women to report offences, and I even go and deliver training to Detective Sergeants and Detective Inspectors on treating sex workers as victims so to have an incident get to the point of getting to trial, only for that outcome is just so so disappointing. I think we all left work this evening more sombre than we've been in a long time. For us, for our client, and for the next victim of an obvious serial sex offender.
I just wanted to get home, put my feet up, drink a bottle of wine and forget about the day not to mention the fact that I have a 3000 word MA research assignment due on Wednesday, already with a weeks extension. However, X had a school disco I had promised her she could attend, so I dragged myself out, after a quick dinner, at 6.30pm to drop her and her friend off.
I was just driving away when I spotted JB, an old male friend that I must have known for 20 years! We have always been friends, who had a brief one night fling years ago - I think even before I had X, though it may have been after, and have continued in much the same way regardless of this. I don't see him very often, in fact I think the last time was some time in the summer, again at school, as his youngest goes to school with X, but we do catch up on facebook reasonably frequently. He is always a great person to see as he is just simply lovely, and will always say how nice I look and that I'm great, etc etc. Just a real feel good person to run into, with always just a hint of potential. I know the last time I saw him I definitely felt that something more physical was a possibility from my side, though I would never go out of my way to pursue it with him. Its just one of those things.
So, I pulled over and he hopped in the car for a quick word, and after 10 mins I said sod this, lets just go to the pub (he was going back to until the disco finished anyway) and have a few drinks and a catch up. So thats what we did. And it was just lovely to see him. We chatted about random past stuff, random current stuff, and a few cheeky comments about how come we never got together before going back to get the respective kids and I took them home. As he went to go we did the obligatory hug - he is a fabulous hugger, a real bear hug kind of guy - and a kiss on the cheek, with promises to catch up soon, etc. No different from the normal times we catch up, where we always promise to catch up soon and invariably never do until we randomly bump into each other again.
But, just as he went to go he kissed me. Nothing overtly sexual, no tongues or anything like that, but full on the mouth, with a tiny hint of open, for a good 3 seconds. It was odd, it was unexpected, but it was so incredibly nice. I keep pursing my lips at the memory and smiling to myself. It may go nowhere, as usual, and I am sure I will be absolutely fine with that, but nonetheless it was one of the nicest, if briefest, experiences I have had just lately. And my day, whilst all the crap has not been forgotten, is now ending on a very different note.
I spent the morning sitting in on the Judge's summing up of a rape trial against one of our clients from work. A colleague has been sitting in, and supporting the client and her mum for the past two days, but couldn't attend today so myself and a different colleague went instead. It's been a difficult week really, not least to sit in the public gallery and learn that he his previous 3 accusations and trials of the exact same offence against 3 other women, which is information ruled to not be appropriate to share with the jury. The trial has been extremely difficult for her, as any rape trial is, and of course compounded by the fact she is a street sex worker especially trying. That said, for once, at least, it was investigated and prosecuted thoroughly and she didnt get too hard a time of it in the stand, presenting herself incredibly well and very clearly, with several witnesses, including police and ambulance immediately after the event supporting how distressed she was and that she had injuries. He, on the other hand, gave completing conflicting and implausible evidence. The defence was reasonably feeble, and in his summing up the Judge, in our opinion, seemed to definitely favour her testimony. So, after summing up we left the court and awaited the verdict.
Several hours later, whilst in a meeting, I get a text to say "Not guilty!!". I have to say, I was speechless, genuinely stunned to be honest, and also completely gutted - as we all are. God only knows how she and her mum will be feeling!! It has been a completely, completely disheartening experience. We spend so much time trying to encourage women to report offences, and I even go and deliver training to Detective Sergeants and Detective Inspectors on treating sex workers as victims so to have an incident get to the point of getting to trial, only for that outcome is just so so disappointing. I think we all left work this evening more sombre than we've been in a long time. For us, for our client, and for the next victim of an obvious serial sex offender.
I just wanted to get home, put my feet up, drink a bottle of wine and forget about the day not to mention the fact that I have a 3000 word MA research assignment due on Wednesday, already with a weeks extension. However, X had a school disco I had promised her she could attend, so I dragged myself out, after a quick dinner, at 6.30pm to drop her and her friend off.
I was just driving away when I spotted JB, an old male friend that I must have known for 20 years! We have always been friends, who had a brief one night fling years ago - I think even before I had X, though it may have been after, and have continued in much the same way regardless of this. I don't see him very often, in fact I think the last time was some time in the summer, again at school, as his youngest goes to school with X, but we do catch up on facebook reasonably frequently. He is always a great person to see as he is just simply lovely, and will always say how nice I look and that I'm great, etc etc. Just a real feel good person to run into, with always just a hint of potential. I know the last time I saw him I definitely felt that something more physical was a possibility from my side, though I would never go out of my way to pursue it with him. Its just one of those things.
So, I pulled over and he hopped in the car for a quick word, and after 10 mins I said sod this, lets just go to the pub (he was going back to until the disco finished anyway) and have a few drinks and a catch up. So thats what we did. And it was just lovely to see him. We chatted about random past stuff, random current stuff, and a few cheeky comments about how come we never got together before going back to get the respective kids and I took them home. As he went to go we did the obligatory hug - he is a fabulous hugger, a real bear hug kind of guy - and a kiss on the cheek, with promises to catch up soon, etc. No different from the normal times we catch up, where we always promise to catch up soon and invariably never do until we randomly bump into each other again.
But, just as he went to go he kissed me. Nothing overtly sexual, no tongues or anything like that, but full on the mouth, with a tiny hint of open, for a good 3 seconds. It was odd, it was unexpected, but it was so incredibly nice. I keep pursing my lips at the memory and smiling to myself. It may go nowhere, as usual, and I am sure I will be absolutely fine with that, but nonetheless it was one of the nicest, if briefest, experiences I have had just lately. And my day, whilst all the crap has not been forgotten, is now ending on a very different note.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Damn and bugger!
Haven't been to archery for the last two Mondays because Y was too tired this Monday and I didn't feel well the Monday before, so, I was planning a last little cheeky flirt with Robin this Monday, before Christmas, and to suss out any Christmas plans that would indicate wives, girlfriends, etc.
I've just had an email from the club leader to say there is no archery for the next 2 Mondays, and they start back 4th January! Bugger bugger bugger! That's that plan foiled then!
I've just had an email from the club leader to say there is no archery for the next 2 Mondays, and they start back 4th January! Bugger bugger bugger! That's that plan foiled then!
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Drunken bum
I apologise for any rambling posts over the weekend - I managed to get myself pissed, by myself, on 3 glasses of 15% dessert wine on Friday night and didn't get to bed until 2am, followed by my birthday pyjama party on Saturday, where accompanied by Lily, Disco, Suze and Jamie I proceeded to drink much more wine before falling into bed approximately 4am. In fact, as I'm typing this I can see the huge bags under my eyes reflected in the monitor!
So, to catch up briefly, had a night out to a Northern Soul and Funk night the Friday before last, where much stupid dancing was done, alongside laughing with the girls, and catching up with some old faces I haven't seen in a long time, which is always nice. So that, combined with this weekend of late nights, plus plans for a party Saturday night, followed by a night out next Friday, my social life is looking up but my pockets are looking emptier and my face is looking tireder. Never mind, I suppose I should make the most of the offers while they come.
Money has not been helped by the fact that Christmas is fast rolling round, which I absolutely love, and after 4 years, finally doesn't feel marred by the DM situation. I am having the family to me this year, for the first time, so there will be Little Sis and hubby staying Christmas Eve again, which was lovely last year, and then we will be joined by my Mum and Littlest Brother on Christmas Day - where hopefully my Mum will make sure we manage to eat an edible Christmas dinner!! For the first time ever, I think, I am really organised this year - nearly all my presents are bought, some of them wrapped, and I even have my food ordered online for delivery on 22nd December! I am feeling very smug about it all - though have to admit it's more need than planning, as I just don't have the disposable income to leave it all to the last minute like I usually do.
Not only is Christmas impacting, but maintenance from Y's dad has stopped completely, and for the foreseeable future as he has just been diagnosed with Schizophrenia at the grand old age of 40, and been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I've had to tell Y, who is always backward at coming forward at the best of times, which has been awful, and we're just trying to make it a normality - because I'm assuming this is likely to be an ongoing issue that needs to become part of his life, and mine by default. I'm also trying to ignore the paranoia about how such things run in the family, and take faith in the fact that there is no other mental illness in his family and that they believe this has been brought on by long term alcohol dependency, which hopefully my Y will avoid! On top of that, my poor boy has A Level exams in January, in at least 3 of his 4 subjects, and he is struggling with that - so I guess the next month or two are not going to be easy going!
On the bright side, I am off for nearly a fortnight over Christmas, and I just can't wait!!
So, to catch up briefly, had a night out to a Northern Soul and Funk night the Friday before last, where much stupid dancing was done, alongside laughing with the girls, and catching up with some old faces I haven't seen in a long time, which is always nice. So that, combined with this weekend of late nights, plus plans for a party Saturday night, followed by a night out next Friday, my social life is looking up but my pockets are looking emptier and my face is looking tireder. Never mind, I suppose I should make the most of the offers while they come.
Money has not been helped by the fact that Christmas is fast rolling round, which I absolutely love, and after 4 years, finally doesn't feel marred by the DM situation. I am having the family to me this year, for the first time, so there will be Little Sis and hubby staying Christmas Eve again, which was lovely last year, and then we will be joined by my Mum and Littlest Brother on Christmas Day - where hopefully my Mum will make sure we manage to eat an edible Christmas dinner!! For the first time ever, I think, I am really organised this year - nearly all my presents are bought, some of them wrapped, and I even have my food ordered online for delivery on 22nd December! I am feeling very smug about it all - though have to admit it's more need than planning, as I just don't have the disposable income to leave it all to the last minute like I usually do.
Not only is Christmas impacting, but maintenance from Y's dad has stopped completely, and for the foreseeable future as he has just been diagnosed with Schizophrenia at the grand old age of 40, and been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I've had to tell Y, who is always backward at coming forward at the best of times, which has been awful, and we're just trying to make it a normality - because I'm assuming this is likely to be an ongoing issue that needs to become part of his life, and mine by default. I'm also trying to ignore the paranoia about how such things run in the family, and take faith in the fact that there is no other mental illness in his family and that they believe this has been brought on by long term alcohol dependency, which hopefully my Y will avoid! On top of that, my poor boy has A Level exams in January, in at least 3 of his 4 subjects, and he is struggling with that - so I guess the next month or two are not going to be easy going!
On the bright side, I am off for nearly a fortnight over Christmas, and I just can't wait!!
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Different strokes
I sometimes wonder how I would be if I'd been born as an Indian. I wonder if I would appreciate the constraints the culture brings, and whether it makes things easier in some ways - I wonder if too much choice, and over expectations will always be my downfall. I think you would never be alone.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Anniversaries and milestones
Today is also my 4 year break up anniversary with DM - and yes, although the pangs are still there some days, the time between them gradually gets greater and greater, and whilst if I'm completely honest he remains my birthday wish, I can honestly say that the anniversary is second to the birthday these days - even if not forgotten entirely! Maybe one day.
Plus, its been almost 5 months without any contact - which is getting on to be a record I think!
Plus, its been almost 5 months without any contact - which is getting on to be a record I think!
Another year older!
Have somehow managed to reach the grand old age of 38! Not quite sure how that happened...
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