Maelstrom

Last night I went to bed full of fluff! Figuratively speaking of course.

I'd had a pretty good day, after a relaxing weekend, and it was topped off by a brief but pleasant text chat with JB confirming the 12th for our hot date. So I settled to bed calm, content, and full of pleasant thoughts of times to come and the delightfulness of new men.

This morning however, it was not new loves that crept unbidden into my dreams but old ones.

I woke in a whirl of emotions from an all too real dream that involved, in brief, the return of the man that was and a gradual reawakening of us after a weekend spent together which culminated in me losing him in a crowd.

It has taken me all day to shake a strange sense of impending trouble. I have spent the morning restless, anxious, and with a turbulence in my stomach that was not related to any digestive issues in any way.

It frustrates me that my subconscious can betray me in this way. That it can let my past creep into my present, albeit through my dreams only, and that I can be affected by something that is long since dead. It's ridiculous that something as small as a dream, which means nothing, absolutely nothing at all can send me into a spin for nearly an entire day. It's certainly a good job I don't believe in premonitions, because if I did I'd be predicting a showdown where I'm forced to choose between the old and the new.

I so want to choose the new and forget the old ever existed, but it unnerves me how much it shakes me. As I said, it's a good job I don't believe in the power of dreams, no matter how real they seem.

Lets hope for a more peaceful night tonight.

What a difference a day makes

Yay!! I am happy again. I finished my last assignment for my module today, and am soooo glad it is now done, submitted and out of the way! Even better that I have no more studying until September. Am so glad of the break. With work, and life in general, being what it is at the moment it's one less pressure.

Plus, I have a date with JB!!!! Yay. Well, he probably won't be calling it a date but I am, lol. We are going to see Midsummer Nights Dream at our local theatre on Saturday 12th June, courtesy of the free tickets I got today (along with free family ticket for the Christmas show!) for attending a 2 hour focus group. Hooray for free stuff. And double hooray for inviting JB and he, for bloody once, saying yes.

Happy, happy, happy!!

Funk

I am feeling really, really grumpy today - increasingly so as the afternoon wears on. I am so bored of fucking issues and hot and cold and bothering with people who really have no interest, or cannot decide what they want. I'm just fed up of it!

Happy Birthday

I have had, and I am sure have yet to come, a very hard week. Work is relentless at the moment and is really taking it's toll, and on top of that I have not been sleeping at all well. So, last night, armed with a good book and Ann Summers finest Pulsatron I decided to administer some medicinal light relief! I was half expecting the mission to fail, but surprisingly the blast off was extremely effective.

However, at point of detonation, and in those few minutes of the world resettling I was really, really reminded that I have had no really decent orgasms since DM, and that I can't deny we had, for the most part, some of the best sex I have ever had. This, for some inexplicable reason (which I attribute to my spunk addled (minus the spunk) brain) kickstarted the thought and I was overwhelmed with the desire to tell him so. So, after a record ten months of no contact, I texted him.

Stupid? Yes probably! Pointless? Most definitely! Regrettable? Absolutely not!

I'm at a point now where I fully accept that he is in my past and will never again be a part of my present or future, so to be honest, contact with him is really not that big a deal to me.

Half an hour ago, for no reason that is at all apparent, I suddenly realised that yesterday was his birthday. Without any thought at all, and completely unknowingly, I texted him on his birthday. Or rather, I texted him smut on his birthday.

That has kind of freaked me out a little.

Men!

Bloody men!

And they say women are complicated and difficult to work out!!!

Grrr - how hard is it to just get on with things?

Sheesh!

Loss

Well the JB story continues...

After a relatively quiet week or so on his side, we had a brief and unremarkable chit chat commentary on Facebook (whatever did I do before it!) which preceded the following conversation:

JB - Hi hun, worked last night, have had a shite day, heard a couple of songs that my *dead son would've liked, but hey ho x miss him so much.

OG - Aw bless you honey. Glad you worked but sorry that you having a sad *dead son day today. I can't possibly imagine how you feel. Do you want to chat? x x x

JB - Never been one to chat hun, but thank you. It don't get any easier, excuse my grammar!

OG - I thought you might say that. Maybe one of these days, might do you some good. Besides, I can chat for both of us, lol. Much love to you honey, anytime x x

JB - Big huge cuddles for you OG. I am attracted to you in a massive way, but, always a but, since *dead son I can't feel anything

OG - I'm sure he wouldn't want that for you honey, and just because we let new people in it doesn't mean we let the others go. Maybe one day , eh? xxx

JB - Yeah one day, not to far away I hope, think about you often hun x

I am pleased that he's acknowledged some attraction, which at least means I'm not completely lunatic and deluded (well not in this instance anyway!), but frustrated that he is letting his grief stop him from moving forward with life, (though I know I'm a fine one to talk about not moving forward!), and thinking it's bloody typical that I always pick the "complicated" ones! Mostly though, I'm just sad for him. Sad as I would be for any of my friends. Sad about the situation he is. Sad that he has had to, and is continuing to, suffer this loss. In all honesty, just sad.

True colours

I have gone red. Very, very, very red!

Of the hair, of course.

Pictures may follow - if I'm brave enough to keep it!