Importing blogs is a pain in the arse!
Just had 'derocked' in my security entry box - loving that word!
Too much time on your hands and access to Google is never a good thing!
Praise the Lord for Big Brother!
I sooooo need to lose weight!
And finally, big up love to Albert and to Matt - you know who you are, and you may have restored a little bit of my faith in humanity.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Peaks and troughs
Fortunately, nature dictates that flatness cannot remain indefinitely, but that at some point the down or up points must occur. So, at the moment, I am trying to focus forward, enjoy what I can and make the most of what I have. It is much more in my nature.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Pride and joy
On 10th June 2008, I officially became a home owner. One year on, and in honour of this auspicious occasion I thought I would post pics of how my beauuuuuuuutiful house is now. It was an awful struggle to get here, and I am permanently poor as a result, but I have to say, it was well worth it. I do so love my little house!
The front room...
Kitchen...
Downstairs hall and toilet...
Up the wooden hill...
My small (but perfectly formed) adult only abode... (Plus Charlie the cat on the landing!)
X's room...
Y's room... (affectionately known as the batcave!)
Bathroom...
The front room...
Up the wooden hill...
X's room...
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Flat
... and somewhat unfulfilled is where I'm at right now.
I can't quite put my finger on it. I know my blessings - I have 2 happy (mostly) and healthy kids, a beautiful house that I love filled with things hand picked and paid for by myself, a well paid enjoyable job with fabulous work colleagues, and some great friends.
But....!
There is always something lacking - a kind of emptiness that doesnt go away, and just lately a feeling of stuck. I'm tempted to say lost, but that would imply I know where I want to go, and I don't. I just don't.
Perhaps that is the problem.
I can't quite put my finger on it. I know my blessings - I have 2 happy (mostly) and healthy kids, a beautiful house that I love filled with things hand picked and paid for by myself, a well paid enjoyable job with fabulous work colleagues, and some great friends.
But....!
There is always something lacking - a kind of emptiness that doesnt go away, and just lately a feeling of stuck. I'm tempted to say lost, but that would imply I know where I want to go, and I don't. I just don't.
Perhaps that is the problem.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Definitions
I have struggled of late with definition of myself.
I know who I was, but that no longer fits and I am unsure of who, or what I wish to be now, and more unsure of how to get there.
Having tried, and failed, to resurrect myself successfully elsewhere, this feels the only place that truly is me, so perhaps a reconnection with here will help the reconnection elsewhere. Who knows?
As always, time will tell.
I know who I was, but that no longer fits and I am unsure of who, or what I wish to be now, and more unsure of how to get there.
Having tried, and failed, to resurrect myself successfully elsewhere, this feels the only place that truly is me, so perhaps a reconnection with here will help the reconnection elsewhere. Who knows?
As always, time will tell.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Final final thought
From: OGmail
Sent: 13 March 2009 16:38:20
To: DMmail
Me again! Bored of me yet? Writing the injunction as we speak? Never fear, I will soon be gone and you will be free of my inane ramblings! I just need to say what I need to say. Why? Must be a glutton for punishment and self humiliation! But hey, you can start your married life with a clean slate!
I've had this waiting for some time now, and never got round to sending it. Not least because it's about 7 texts long! But now seems the right time. Yes, it's flowery, and in your eyes probably over dramatic, and to be honest, to me at least, slightly pathetic, but I can't say it any other way - believe me I've tried. So, instead, I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it!
All I ask is that you truly hear it! We've discussed my hearing what you don't say, but equally you don't hear what I do say. I say "I love you", you hear "she thinks she loves me, but what does she know". Dont. Just hear! Please.
You've asked before how I am, and to answer, and to save you ever having to ask again, here's the best way I can explain it...
A long time ago, when we were together, it was like you opened something inside of me that made the world a brighter and better place, and me a better and braver person than I thought possible. Then you left, and doing so, you took that piece of me with you. And I was left with this gaping hole filled with nothing but pain and hurt, and for such a long, long time that was how it was - a constant, raging, awful awful ache. Now, many many months on, that hurt has gone, mostly, but that emptiness in me remains.
But over time, its almost like a glass wall has slowly built itself around the space, keeping me getting up in the morning, going to work, parenting, socialising, moving forwards, and stopping anybody really noticing. I haven't spent the last 3yrs moping around like some pathetic creature, but yet, deep in me, the space remains. And whilst that wall keeps me functioning most of the time, it also stops anything from really, really touching me these days. The good and the bad. Whatever I do, whatever I see, whatever I live, a part of me is always empty. The part you somehow gave me is always missing. You are always missing.
I don't blame you for that, you weren't to know. Hell, I didn't even know until it was too late, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to recognise it, let alone articulate it. And please, please don't think it's self pitying, because much as I may sound like a mills and boon twat, you should know me better than that. I don't spend my days sobbing into my hanky or bemoaning my fate, but if I'm honest none of it is ever quite right without you.
I love you and you alone. I miss you, always. It just is what it is.
So, in answer to your question, that is now, and probably always if I'm honest, who and how I will be. And that is why, you, my dearest, most infuriating, darling fucking idiot man, will always be my one true love. Even if that isn't enough.
That said, its time to let go. I've realised the last few days that what I've needed from you for me to let go, is knowing you have. I guess marrying someone else proves that pretty categorically. As for moving on, who knows, if I (heaven forbid) lost one of the children, I wouldn't be expected to move on, I'd just learn to live with it. That's what I have to do now, figure out who this different person is and learn to live with me and without you.
I do wish you well in your marriage, and your life, much as you may find that hard to believe. May it always be an A5 not an A1.
Good luck to both of us it seems!
With love, as always xxx
Sent: 13 March 2009 16:38:20
To: DMmail
Me again! Bored of me yet? Writing the injunction as we speak? Never fear, I will soon be gone and you will be free of my inane ramblings! I just need to say what I need to say. Why? Must be a glutton for punishment and self humiliation! But hey, you can start your married life with a clean slate!
I've had this waiting for some time now, and never got round to sending it. Not least because it's about 7 texts long! But now seems the right time. Yes, it's flowery, and in your eyes probably over dramatic, and to be honest, to me at least, slightly pathetic, but I can't say it any other way - believe me I've tried. So, instead, I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it!
All I ask is that you truly hear it! We've discussed my hearing what you don't say, but equally you don't hear what I do say. I say "I love you", you hear "she thinks she loves me, but what does she know". Dont. Just hear! Please.
You've asked before how I am, and to answer, and to save you ever having to ask again, here's the best way I can explain it...
A long time ago, when we were together, it was like you opened something inside of me that made the world a brighter and better place, and me a better and braver person than I thought possible. Then you left, and doing so, you took that piece of me with you. And I was left with this gaping hole filled with nothing but pain and hurt, and for such a long, long time that was how it was - a constant, raging, awful awful ache. Now, many many months on, that hurt has gone, mostly, but that emptiness in me remains.
But over time, its almost like a glass wall has slowly built itself around the space, keeping me getting up in the morning, going to work, parenting, socialising, moving forwards, and stopping anybody really noticing. I haven't spent the last 3yrs moping around like some pathetic creature, but yet, deep in me, the space remains. And whilst that wall keeps me functioning most of the time, it also stops anything from really, really touching me these days. The good and the bad. Whatever I do, whatever I see, whatever I live, a part of me is always empty. The part you somehow gave me is always missing. You are always missing.
I don't blame you for that, you weren't to know. Hell, I didn't even know until it was too late, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to recognise it, let alone articulate it. And please, please don't think it's self pitying, because much as I may sound like a mills and boon twat, you should know me better than that. I don't spend my days sobbing into my hanky or bemoaning my fate, but if I'm honest none of it is ever quite right without you.
I love you and you alone. I miss you, always. It just is what it is.
So, in answer to your question, that is now, and probably always if I'm honest, who and how I will be. And that is why, you, my dearest, most infuriating, darling fucking idiot man, will always be my one true love. Even if that isn't enough.
That said, its time to let go. I've realised the last few days that what I've needed from you for me to let go, is knowing you have. I guess marrying someone else proves that pretty categorically. As for moving on, who knows, if I (heaven forbid) lost one of the children, I wouldn't be expected to move on, I'd just learn to live with it. That's what I have to do now, figure out who this different person is and learn to live with me and without you.
I do wish you well in your marriage, and your life, much as you may find that hard to believe. May it always be an A5 not an A1.
Good luck to both of us it seems!
With love, as always xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
