I have just got in a from a random, enjoyable, but equally bitter sweet evening out at a local music event.
Many years ago - I can't remember how many (I tried to look back on the blog, but it may have even been before then!), but a long while ago indeed, I was out on a random evening and somehow got introduced to a lovely man, henceforth named Mr Perfect (because he pretty much sums that up for me!). We had an initial chemistry, you know when you can just tell, and spent the evening laughing, joking and flirting, but he was a perfect gentleman, not least because he was a married man, and was very clear in telling me that he was happily married. However, he did say, and I believed completely genuinely, that if he wasn't married then he'd be snapping me up, but alas, not the case.
Over the years, I have occasionally seen him about the town, and then one night I ended up going out for Bea's birthday, only to discover that he is the husband of a friend of hers, and was also out, along with his wife, and lots of other people I didn't know. I just kind of avoided him, not even sure if he recognised me, or if he did he remembered our brief interaction, and didn't feel it appropriate to revisit with him at that point. So, despite the occasional sighting and a fond remembrance of how bloody lovely he was, he has never really resurfaced. Until last night...!
So, I'm out with Bea at the music night, just generally chatting, dancing, having a laugh, when I see him with a few mates across the room, and find that at some point in the next few hours Bea is chatting to him, and we end up in the same vicinity and generally dancing and having a laugh with them. At which point he introduces himself, and asks who I am, with no apparent memory of ever having seen me before - always disappointing when somebody has lodged themselves into your memory, and that isn't reciprocated - but to be honest it was a few hours many years ago, so I wasn't beating myself up about it.
We chat very briefly, and then I say "I have met you before actually, many years ago", and go on to describe, briefly, our previous flirtation, and to tease him for his cheesiness. He looks a little embarrassed, but then gradually I can see that he is remembering, and he goes on to quote me from that night, reminding me of things I had forgotten I had said, such as "..if you ever find yourself not married then come find me...".
So, we dance, we laugh, we flirt a little more - we acknowledge once again that there is a mutual attraction, and we acknowledge once again that he is still married, and still happily as far as I can make out, and he is just so bloody scrummy - even scrummier than I remember, and it is so annoying to have met this man, found that it isn't a one off, but we do fancy each other, and know that he isn't available!! Even though I know he was tempted, and I would have loved to have whisked him away at the drop of a hat, it wouldn't be the same even if he had pursued things further, because then he would be a cheater, and not what I want.
I am trying to remain positive at the thought that there are men out there still who I fancy, and that this can be reciprocated, but its a hollow thought, that actually, I just really really like him, and he is not available, so if anything is even more frustrating. Also, I hate that my brain gets so caught up with moments that are going nowhere, and that I should not dwell on situations that are going nowhere, but I can't help but hope that somehow, someday, he will head back my way as a single man!