Betwixt

I am not the person I used to be, and cannot go back to that old me. I have tried.

I am not the person I became with him, and cannot be without him.

I don't have a new person to become yet.

I am betwixt the old and the new, with nothing fitting.

Realisation

A long time ago, almost a different lifetime, when we were together, he triggered something inside of me that made the world a brighter, better place, and me a better, braver person than I'd ever been before. Then he was gone, taking that piece of me with him and leaving behind a gaping hole that was filled with nothing but hurt and pain. And for such a long, long time that was how it was, just pain.

Now, the hurt has gone, but the space remains. Over time though, a glass wall has slowly built around that space, glass brick by glass brick, getting me through the pain and sadness, keeping me going day after day, and, now I realise, hiding the hole within me from all but those who look too closely. Those who knew me before.

There is a part of me that loves that wall, but I realised this weekend that it is the very thing that prevents anything from ever truly touching me, and that good or bad experiences alike, a part of me remains forever numb. The part of me that is lost from that space, that is always missing.

I don't blame him, he wasn't to know, and I don't say this in anyway self pitying, it just is what it is.

It is who, and how, I am. Now.

Message

So few words, but enough to send the little white cells into overdrive. I should be done with this by now.

Lacking

Despite a job that I (mostly) love, and a beautiful (if modest) house all of my own, and 2 fabulous (if testing) children, and the knowledge that I have a good life, that I am so much luckier than so many, despite all this, I still feel unfulfilled.

And I don't know what's missing.